My People Are The Best Gifts

I don't even know how to begin to describe the feeling of love I felt as my friends and family celebrated my 30 years with me. I am blessed beyond words with the most amazing people God could ever give to a human being. At a time when I needed love and affirmation most, my people met me there.

What an amazing night. I spent a week doing new student orientation, I was tired and spent. I got home from the Oregon coast around 2pm and went and had a manicure given to me by my parents tp relax and shift from work to personal life. I went home and got ready. I put on my pretty party dress and was picked up by mom and dad and off we were to the party. They drove me to an undisclosed location (a home of some friends). We pulled into the driveway only to be met by a beautifully decorated yard. I opened the door to everyone yelling "Hooray!!!!". I was overwhelmed!!! Totally and completely blown away at this beautiful site. Now, I knew that Paula wouldn't mess around but HELLO!!! Her husband greeted me with a freshly made beverage and I began hugging and saying hello to my friends. I got a plate of food (YUM everyone!!!!) had a seat and began having great conversations. People kept arriving as the next hour or so went on. My mother told us later that she counted 45 people present. Eric wrote me a fabulous birthday song (Paula, you were a wonderful mic stand) and after blowing out the candles on my gorgeous birthday cake (thanks Rici!!!!), I got to open my presents. FUN!!!! I was humbled by the generousity of all of my friends and family. I want everyone to know that I DID get the KitchenAid mixer that I have been asking for for several years now (thanks Paula and her clan). I was so touched by the celebration of me. I've always known that I am loved but I knew, really knew, that night how much I am loved by the people in my life. It is easy to forget because the world is always screaming words of inadequacy. I don't say I felt loved because they gave me fantastic gifts. The gifts were an amazing bonus but my heart was so touched by the heartfelt words written in the cards and the words and stories shared in conversations. I was so overwhelmed while sitting on the deck and looking down at all of the people who are in my life. I am so blessed to be loved by so many wonderful people. The timespan represented all of the years of my life. My family, college friends and cherished relationships that have developed in the last few years talking to one another, coming together all in one place.

My soul was satisfied that night. My heart overflowed with joy and peace. I felt calm, serene...content. I imagine it must be what we will feel when we are reunited in heaven. For me, my 30th birthday was a preview of what I will feel when I am reunited with all of my loved ones in a more beautiful and precious place. I thank God for the people who were with me that night. I thank God for the friends and family who were unable to be with us. I know that the same love is shared with them. For as much joking as I made about turning 30 and wanting to be celebrated like those who marry, I am serious when I say that every person deserves to feel the way I felt that night. Every human should have their souls touched the way mine was that night. What an amazing and overwhelming feeling. I imagine this is the way one feels when they meet the person they choose to spend their life with. There is no doubt in my mind that I am valued and important to people in this world. There is no doubt in my mind that those who share Jesus have a much deeper connection than those who do not. In a world where selfishness is prized, I pray that we spend our lives trying to make others feel the way I did on my birthday. If we each made this our goal, I think the world would be a better place because more people would know Jesus.

Thank you to all of my amazing and wonderful friends and family who worked so hard to make me feel so special. Words will never adequately express the way I felt and still feel. I am still wiping away tears so that I can see to type this post. These thoughts do not do justice for what you deserve to hear. Thank you. My heart is overflowing.

TTFN...

I don't think that I will have much opportunity to post here for the next few weeks. Life gets crazy this time of year with the students returning to campus and all that it requires. I hope to have moments here and there to update you on how life is going for me.

We are adding a new element to our freshman orientation program this year. We are requiring them to do something academic! I know, I know. You would think at an institution of higher learning it would be a given but there aren't many schools that use a book as a part of their orienation program. I am reading through the text right now. We are using Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What. I am enjoying it. He focuses on the relational aspect of God and how our relationship (separation from Him) changed in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were deceived by Satan. In some ways it reminds me of a book I read last year by John Piper called Don't Waste Your Life. Both authors focus on the fact that we were created to be in relationship with God and because of the separation that occurred, we look to other things to meet that natural need. Miller talks about how devastated Adam and Eve must have been. Think about it: You were in the presence of God. There was no need for anything else because you could talk to God face to face at any and all times. He was your companion. The Creator of the Universe and then stupid conniving Satan deceives you and immediately, IMMEDIATELY your relationship with God is forever changed. How they must have felt! To go from being with God to being separated. Miller says he can't even begin to imagine what they must have felt. I could keep going and I'm only half way through the book! I look forward to hearing what the students have to say about it. College students always have interesting insight. I think we've chosen a great book for them to read.

Ok, off to make nametags and other exciting things!

YAY!

I'm not at work! I'm not at work yeah yeah yeah!

Part of My Past

At one time in my life, I wanted more than anything to sing opera professionally. I had a gift and felt like I could make something of my life using that gift. I trained (not as much as I should have, I wasn't that driven) and even got into a music conservatory. Now, when I say I got into a conservatory, it was definately not Juilliard or the New England Conservatory of Music but when I just googled music conservatories, the school I attended was second on the list (not that it means anything). I wanted to dress in ridiculous costumes and wear too much makeup. I wanted to use my dramatic personality for good and not for evil. I was caught up in the glamour and sophistication. I wanted curtain calls and roses delivered to my dressing room. I wanted to move people to tears.

I have to say that I honestly don't know what happened other than God had a different plan for my life. More accurately, I was scared of not actually being good enough to make it and so it was easy to "blame it" on God's plan and not work hard enough to be successful. I was 18 and I wanted to play with my friends not study the stupid piano or learn music theory(how I regret not doing these things). I've always had a good story when people ask why I didn't pursue it. I can honestly say now that most of my decisions were made out of fear. I hate that about myself. I hate that I let my fears drive my decisions rather than honor God by being fearless. I know that I was given a natural ability to sing but my brothers were always hands down better musicians than I could have ever hoped to be (you should have heard either one of them play their chosen instruments back in the day). I was afraid that I would never be able to overcome my lack of natural musicianship, never be as good as them musically let alone all of the other people I was competing with in school. There has always been a joke in the music world that you can be a musician or you can be a singer. Never both. I was definately the singer.

In the last few days, as I've been giving Paula information for what I'm assuming is for my birthday, I've been mourning the loss of the career I didn't have. She wanted to know what my favorite song is. Simple question, right? Wrong! As a music lover, there is NO WAY you can pick one, but I immediately thought of an aria (I won't disclose in case it's part of a game or something. No questions, I promise, Paula). Everytime I hear this aria, I am moved to tears. As I've been thinking about this, accompanied with the knowledge that I'm about to turn 30, I wonder where I would be if I had finished my studies in music. As a Christian I can't discount God's hand in my life. I also cannot imagine my life without the move to Portland and knowing the people I know now. My life is forever changed because of my decision to leave the conservatory for both good and bad reasons.

I can't help but wonder what my life might be like today if I had not changed schools. I haven't thought about it much in the 11 years since I made this decision. I don't listen much to classical music because I begin to miss it and regret starts to creep in. I don't have many regrets in my life but when I sit down and think about it, I do regret this one at times. I try not to think about it and have avoided it as much as possible. When I do think about it, I begin to wonder where I would be living and what I might be doing. Would I have made it professionally? Was I good enough? Could I be singing in opera houses around the world? Would I have seen Paris and London, New York City? Would people recognize me on the street? Could I pay my bills? Would I be driving something other than my 92 Corolla? Would I be a waitress still hoping to be discovered at the right place at the right time? Would I be happier? Would I be more fulfilled? Would I be considered successful by the world's standards? Would I have a relationship with God or would I have forsaken Him in order to move up the ladder of success? I knew even then that I was capable of turning my back on Him. One of the reasons that I left that world was because most people you interact with on a daily basis have no appreciation for opera. How many 18 year olds do you know that are passionate about Puccini and Mozart, Wagner and Rossini? Do you even know who they are (my family and Sarah Parker are not allowed to answer this question)? In many ways, I felt like an outsider and I was desperate to fit in. When I moved to Portland, there were even fewer people around me who had any kind of understanding or appreciation for opera so I put this part of my life on a shelf. I never gave a recital in college even though I planned two and came up with great excuses both times. I came very close my senior year but my voice teacher left unexpectedly. If I really wanted to do it, I could have. In post-music life, I still never really fit in. My voice was difficult to blend because it was big, there was a definite classically trained sound that didn't work for a small group trying to sing contemporary worship music. I only really got to showcase my talent on the few occasions that a soloist was needed with the choir. I wish that, though I decided to give it up as a career, I would have continued to persue it for personal enjoyment. I wish I would have chosen to continue to train and coaxed friends into going to see the Portland Opera perform each season, just to give them the experience (even if they didn't like it). I wish I had given myself a little more credit and not been embarrassed by the voice God gave me. I wish I had enough confidence to develop the gift I had been given. I hated the people who came across so arrogant about their talent and didn't want to be one of those people so I, in many ways, stepped into the background and didn't acknowledge this part of who I am.

The impending big 3-0 has unleashed all of the pent up emotion and desire about this long lost passion of mine. Who knew that Paula asking me a simple question about my favorite song would open up so much inside of me that I didn't realize was being stifled for so many years? I am going to proudly embrace this part of myself without apology! While I can never attain the career that could have been, there are many ways to feed this part of my soul and I'm gonna! I am going to blast operas when I'm at home, I'm going to save up my money and buy tickets to the opera and I may even start taking voice lessons again! Maybe I'll get up enough guts to audition for the Portland Opera chorus or a community choir!

Thank you Paula for asking me about my favorite song.

Registered

For a few years now I have joked that if I was unmarried by my thirtieth birthday, I was going to register for gifts. Please understand that while I love gifts (who doesn't?), I don't expect people to buy me presents. I don't feel anyone owes me but I thought it would be funny and I have a theory about the single girl that has recently been confirmed by Carrie Bradshaw. Single people get the shaft when it comes to celebrating them!

I am admitting to one of my guilty pleasures tonight (ok two...I am watching a tape of tonight's Big Brother episode while I type this). I love to watch Sex and the City. If you haven't watched it, I think that it is a great show about women's relationships with each other and their relationships with the men in their lives (obviously as the title implies). I wish it didn't have such blatant sexual overtones but its candor is appreciated. I LOVE watching the girls interact with each other. They do a great job of conveying the reality of a group of girlfriends.

Focus Rebecca.

Carrie (the main character in the show) is invited to a baby shower for a friend, a character played by Tatum O'Neal. Carrie gets to the party and is asked to remove her shoes, a beautiful pair of Minolo Blahniks, because they want to minimize the dirt and germs brought in to the children. Carrie tried to explain that her shoes were an important part of her outfit but in the end, she respected their request and added her beloved shoes to the pile. When it was time for her to go home, her shoes were gone! How does that happen? Did someone actually steal her shoes? Tatum's character lent her some hideous keds or something to borrow for her walk home assuming that her shoes would eventually show up. Her shoes never showed up and when she spoke to her host, she offered (eventually) to pay for her shoes. When Carrie told her how much the shoes cost ($485) she didn't feel like she should have to pay for Carrie's extravagent lifestyle. Here is how the conversation went:

"I shouldn't have to pay for your extravagant lifestyle choices"
Tatum's character.

"But you used to spend this kind of money all of
the time for shoes" Carrie responded.

"Well, that was before I had kids, before I had a
real life where you have to think about kids and mortgages..."

Carrie was stunned and left.

A few days later walking down the street with her
friend Charlotte:

" What happened to our friend? Why does she think her life
is more important than mine? Lifestyle choices??? I've done the
math...I have spent approximately$1200 celebrating her lifestyle
choices...engagement gift, wedding gift, three baby gifts...where's my gift???
Where is my 'Congratulations you didn't marry the wrong man' card?" Carrie
questioned.

"hmmm...maybe you're right...ooh! Birthdays!"
Charlotte exlaimed.

"Nope, married people still have birthdays" Carrie
responded.

Charlotte nodded in agreement.

Later that week, Carrie left a message on
Tatum's machine announcing that she was getting married...to herself and she was
registered at Minolo Blahnik.

Carrie received a replacement pair
of shoes in the mail (it was the only thing she registered for).

So, in celebration of single gals everywhere...I am sharing my wish list with all of you. You can find me on Amazon.com*. Shop away in celebration of me! If you aren't interested in buying me a gift for my birthday, I would love to receive "Congratulations on not marrying the wrong man!" gifts. Here's to turning 30 and not getting the gifts that others get when their lifestyle choices are celebrated! I want a Kitchenaid just like all the married girls!

*I actually created this list in an effort to remember books I wanted to read, movies I wanted to watch and evolved into a Christmas list for family. I promise!!! It's a great tool for remembering all of these things. I recommend it if you have an aging brain like mine.

I'm Bored

I'm one of those people who would like to rearrange my furniture every 6 months but my stinking apartment is too small to do much reconfiguring so I feel ansy. All of this to say...I am bored with the look of my blog and would like for people to suggest a change. Would everyone participate in a competition to chose a new skin for my page? Any takers? What should the winner win?

Ready.....

Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reflections On My First Day Back To Work

My first day back at work was fine. I came in and couldn't log onto my computer. I was hoping that it got damaged by the water leak while I was gone but it wasn't. I had a bad network card. Someday I will find a way to get a new computer!!! It took all morning for our IT guy to figure out what was going on (he did keep getting called away. I promise he's not dumb). I talked with my coworker for a bit but then decided to respond to emails from one of our other office computers. I managed to come back to only 4 voicemails. YAY! I hate using the phone, in case anyone was wondering. I would much rather reply to 10 emails than return 1 phone call. I don't know why. I am fine on the phone. I know how to talk on the phone, I have a fantastic professional voice but I just don't like talking on the phone (this, however, does not stop my mother from calling for absolutely ridiculous reasons, or no reason at all for that matter). I did learn something today and what I learned today is that sometimes taking a vacation is not beneficial. There were several conversations that happened where all I wanted to do was yell: CAN I HAVE ONE DAY BACK BEFORE YOU DROP THIS ON ME??? I got over it.

I only have 5 weeks left until the freshmen move onto campus. Yikes! Things will still probably be kind of crazy for the next couple of months. Things always slow down after the students get here and get settled in. How did it get to be time for me to say these things again?! This year seems to have flown by. There have been good things learned about my work. I do enjoy what I do. I'm thankful for knowing this. I know this is what I want to do so long as I have to work (where, oh where, is my sugar daddy?). This is a big deal! I never thought I would find something that I love to do. I feel like I'm mostly good at what I do. Obviously, there are good days and bad days. I make mistakes, I say the wrong thing or make the wrong decision in a situation but more days than not, I am proud of my work. I feel like I do something that matters. I feel like I'm making a difference every single day. How many people get to say that right?

I am going to go finish watching this MSNBC show on Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. There are some very seriously ill people in prison. I'm rather intrigued by the program. This is where my psychology nerddom gets a little attention. In case you didn't know, my degree is in psychology and I love watching programs on unconventional mental health work and other "rehabilitation" programs and whether or not they seem to work. A professor from Indiana State University has been volunteering her time for over 20 years. She is teaching the inmates Shakespeare (specifically Macbeth). Talk about doing something that matters. I find this kind of work brave. Ok...gotta go.

Good night.

to do: list of things to do before i leave town

1. wash dishes (or stinky apartment is what I will come home to) - done
2. water plants - done
3. pay rent - done
4. get oil change - done (and radiator flush so I wouldn't blow out the radiator)
5. pay car insurance - done
6. return movie to blockbuster online (stick in the mail) - done
7. return recycling if time
8. wash car(tired of bird pooh on my car) - done
9. wash car windows - done
10. vacuum car interior if time - jiffy lube fellas did it for me...YAY!
11. pack - done
12. select CD's for drive (perhaps I'll listen to the Prince and Johnny Cash cd's I "borrowed" from rebecca marie) - done

And again today...

I have no doubt in my faith but these horoscopes are weird:

"You have been very busy telling other people what to do, dear Virgo. Why are you criticizing and thundering about so? Could it be that you are dissatisfied with yourself at the moment? Could it be that your job is causing you some problems, or that your colleagues are being too intense these days? When you get into moods like this, you know the source is often internal. So stop telling other people what to do and start to think about what you should do."

Sweet Release

I'm back at my desk at work totally exhausted. We had a great weekend though. I wish I had been able to enjoy more of the festivities rather than troubleshooting and organizing table assignments but someone had to do it. I've mostly only heard good things. Oh, there will always be grumpy people who find something to complain about (at a free event for 600 people) because that is all they know how to do, but overall it was a great success. It's always nice to see something come to fruition that has occupied so much time. It's nice to know that all of the hours of work and lack of sleep and socializing with friends was worth it. Our academic dean suggested this morning that this is "clearly the most significant event to EVER happen on our campus"! It's nice to think that you had a hand in making an historical event happen.

So, in the midst of 100+ temperatures, I will be drinking lots of coffee and water and thinking about my vacation next week. This will be the only thing that gets me through this week. I hope that I will have some level of productivity for my REAL job now that the reunion is over. I may actually get to see some of you again soon!

my horoscope today from msn...some might find it a little creepy

Are you a part of a religious or spiritual organization, dear Virgo? If so, is it something you really enjoy? There are many opportunities to get involved with your spiritual community that can bring you greater satisfaction. Check these out. There's also nothing saying you can't try out a couple of different organizations to see if you find a better fit for your personal needs if you are less than satisfied where you are. Expand your horizons today.

Quick Updates

• I have great friends.
• Monday night I got to hang out with Rebecca Marie. She made me dinner and gave me a pedicure. THAT is a friend! We were able to hang out and do some catching up. It was so nice.
• I was really crabby yesterday morning. I didn't feel very good.
• Big Mike stopped by the school and we went to lunch (cheaply!). Thanks Mike! It was nice to talk with him for a few minutes.
• Last night I got to go see Hairspray. It was FABULOUS! It was a great time to hang out with the Preuit's and Miss Fennell. Thanks for the ticket Leah! Sorry you missed it but I had a great time.
• Heather helped me make table assignments yesterday so it's not so terrible. I have a big floor plan hanging on my wall and we are having fun playing musical chairs. We should get it mostly done today! YAY!
• I have incredible friends who have been doing such a great job of encouraging me and a giving me a good dose of distraction and relaxation. I appreciate all of them helping me feel calm. In all of this, I have to thank God for all of them. I am sure that if I was not a Christian I would still have fabulous friends who took great care of me and loved me but I can't help but think that God is in all of it. I believe that he has orchestrated people to come around me when all I want to do is quit my job!

Random Stuff

• The College's big 50th anniversary is this next week and there will be 500+ people who come through campus.
• I'm tired.
• I just found out that one of my fabulous friends is planning me a 30th birthday bash! She's keeping secrets which I'm not a fan of but I'm excited because I know it will be fun whatever happens.
• I am taking a vacation! That's right, baby! One WHOLE WEEK off in July. Jean, I may want to come up and hang out for a long weekend or something. Let's talk!
• I hate making table assignments for 500 people I don't know.
• I need to get my brakes done.
• Grad school is looking better and better everyday.
• I'm glad my friend Rici's baby is ok.
• I'm enjoying Plan B by Anne Lamott.
• I desperately want a pedicure.
• How do you talk to an angel?
• I think I am taking a class in the fall from my old boss, Billy boy.
• Just when you think nothing good could possibly happen, you remember that your nephew's birthday party is on Saturday and that means you get to see the kids again.
• I miss seeing my friend Rebecca Marie. I feel like it's been 80 years and she lives 10 minutes away.
• Everyone...Yes, I said it, EVERYONE is having a baby.
• Except me.
• All I've been seeing lately are enlarged uteruses.
• Uteruses is a weird word.
• Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?
• I'm kind of addicted to "So you think you can dance". I don't think I can. wish I could.
• While I don't have a very good computer at work, they had a laptop I could use this week so I can do work at home and not be stuck in my office 12 hours a day.
• Albertson's generic Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream is really good. It has the good kind of chocolate shavings in it. Not actual mini chocolate chips. Gross.
• I watch The Hills on MTV. I admit it. Lauren's friend Heidi is really really dumb. Like for real.
• Who are you going to vote back into the Big Brother house?
• I watched Britney Spears on Dateline last night. She cried. While I realize she is a real person, I still find her odd, like real people are. Also, the paparazzi is really weird. The whole concept. They showed her trying to lay out on the beach and there were like 20 people hovering around her trying to take the exact same picture of her. I would be angry too (I probably wouldn't be laying out on the beach trying to tan, let alone in a bathing suit, though).
• I keep making bullets so I don't have to go back to work. I guess I should go back to work.

The First Step

The thought of grad school scares the dickens out of me. It's a big commitment. I am saying that I am more of an "expert" in this particular field and kind of obligate myself to this kind of work. I know I wouldn't have to do it forever but it would be more difficult to walk away from it. The idea of acquiring more student loans scares me and the thought of working for another college weirds me out a bit. I am comfortable with my current employer and I know my current environment. It seems strange to think about going elsewhere to work. The thought of starting over somewhere else makes me nervous rather than excited. These feelings may come from a place of insecurity (feeling ill-equppedto do my job well). Who knows, maybe with a master's degree in my field, I would have more bargaining power with them or I would feel like I can go anywhere and do my job wonderfully.

Yesterday I requested information about a graduate program in my field of work. I know it doesn't seem like any kind of commitment or big deal but I have been thinking about it for a couple of years and after must frustration with my current situation I thought it was time to do something about it. I love my work. If I have to work, this is what I want to do. However, in my current job, I feel like I lack the necessary skills to do what should be done for our students and I don't know where to start to make the appropriate changes and improvements. I have so many great ideas but I have no information to show that they would be successful or beneficial and have no idea how to execute them if I were given permission to do so. I also want to make a better life for myself and with graduate level education, I would have more options available to me.

Here's to the first step in making a change for the better!

short-lived rant

While on my lunch break, I need to vent to the world for a minute. I have just spent 3 hours today trying to get one of our offices computers to work with a scanner. Why is this so difficult? Oh, perhaps it is because we have computers that are as old as me! What a waste of my time. I have more important things to do than mess around with a dumb scanner. Just when I think it works, no go! I'm so frustrated!!!!

I'm hoping that I to throw a big enough fit to be able to get at least one reasonably working computer in the office. I think that it should be reasonable to have one computer in the office that will burn a CD for a slideshow that I do every year. My student workers end up taking it and working on it on their own personal computers because they are nicer and do more. This is silly to me! I'm not asking for the nicest computer on the market just one that meets the demand of my job.

That's all. I'm done. Back to eating lunch.

Who Are You?

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totally loafing about

I haven't done a stinking thing for the last two days and I feel pretty ok about it. I finished a great book that I had been reading, hoping it would help me with my work. It's hard to say if it will actually help. The colleges and universities that the author visited were a totally different demographic than the students we serve. However, I believe we have some of the very same issues on our campus. Anyway...not the point of the post. I did finishing reading that book and decided to pick up The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. It's been on my list of books to read for years now. I'll let you know what I think later.

Today I am at mom and dad's house doing laundry. They are out at their church's family retreat so I have their house to myself today. I'm watching free on demand movies, washing my clothes, and surfing blogs. It's great. This morning I watched WAY TOO many episodes of the Laguna Beach marathon on MTV. I get sucked in, I can't help myself!!!! Please promise to still be my friends. I tried to watch Hannah and Her Sisters but I got bored. I think Woody Allen makes strange movies.

Well, back to pointless movie and TV watching, perhaps I'll get lucky and there will be some reruns of What Not To Wear or The Gilmore Girls...

4 day weekend here I come!

One of the perks of working at the college is that full-time staff get a total of 6 weeks paid vacation each year. The new policy allows an additional week of paid time off if you sponsor a mission trip (so potentially 7 weeks). How cool is this?! I think it's pretty rad.

Three of our vacation days come in the summer in the form of Fun Fridays. For each of the summer months: May, June and July every full time staffer gets a paid Friday off! Thank you very much. I didn't take one for May yet so I have to take tomorrow off, on the eve of a 3-day Memorial Weekend. I'm totally ok with this!

I'm out...

I'm out so hard.

stupid cars and money

I am no good with cars. I think it's something I would like to put on my list of things I look for in a husband. :) I hate dealing with them. I just want to turn it on and drive. I don't want to think about how to deal with a car when it has problems.

Last month I was supposed to re-register my car (get new tags, some say tabs, which do you say?) like a good citizen. I had to go through DEQ, which I didn't pass.

"What do I do next?"I asked the nice DEQ man.

"Here is some information about what could be wrong", he explained "and a list of mechanics."

"OK, thanks."

This was the first time I've ever had a failing car. So, before I got myself all worked up, I call dad and tell him the news. He tells me to come over and he'll look at the car. He thinks that I probably need a tune up. So, I go to the DMV and purchase a trip permit ($20) so I don't get pulled over and get a ticket($100?). I take my car into a mechanic and he says it definately needs a tune-up ($250 for diagnostic and tune-up). My parents say to spend the money, it is worth it. So, I take it in, they do all the work. Yesterday I went back to DEQ with my newly tuned car and guess what? NO PASS!

"WHAT? I just spent $250 that I don't have on the stupid thing to get it to pass", I said, fighting back tears.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you", said the snotty DEQ lady, "It's still not passing." Another test that they run failed this time.

So, I call Tony, the mechanic back and said "I failed the NOX test this time."

"Bring it back in and we'll see what's going on", he says.

He ran tests yesterday afternoon again and he said it needs a new catalytic converter ($180). He said that he didn't test it before but with the new spark plugs, it was burning off more oil or something and now it's emitted more than it should. URGH! Can you sell enough plasma to pay for this? I can't afford to make monthly car payments so I know it makes sense to put the money into it but how do you know when it's time to let your car go and figure something else out?

***Update***Tony took my car through DEQ and it passed this time! YAY! It is stickered and ready to go for a while now.

Also, may I live here, please?

more effecient blogging

Thanks to Rebecca Marie's telling of this cool thing called FeedBlitz, I don't have to actually LOOK at every blog EVERY day to see who's posted something new. THANK YOU! I never knew until you mentioned it at home group on Tuesday night. This is going to make my life so much easier!!!! I now have time to look for random new blogs to add to my list! I am going to drown in blogs!!!! This is my new plan.

I've actually stumbled across an entire blogging community of college professors and staff that have very interesting insights into the world of higher learning. I'm totally addicted to what they have to say.

I always wondered why your blog asks to subscribe to you. Hmmm.

If this doesn't make you smile, you're dead inside.

Akeelah and the Bee

Go see it. It's all the cheese that a PG movie can offer but good stuff. As a self-professed geek, it was inspiring and made me want to go home and read the dictionary (sorry mom for ever making fun of you). Also, I love the quote that was used throughout the movie. I actually read the book that it came out of but I don't remember reading this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are we to not be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Chew on that for a minute. Are you afraid of the power that you hold as a child of God? Are you afraid of what you were made to be? I have thought about this all week. I find it to be true. If I truly embraced the power that I have as God's child, I would be capable of anything and there would be no fear of inadequacy. I know darkness, I am comfortable with my sin and I believe the lies that Satan tells me about myself. The choice to live in and embrace the reality that I am light and "powerful beyond measure" is frightening. I don't know how to do that. It is scary to give up what you know and live in a way that is different. That is powerful. That is the glory of God.

Jumbled Thoughts

Some thoughts that I have been mulling over (some by myself, some with other co-workers):

I work at a small college and we need everyone (faculty, staff and students) to be involved in order to pull things off. How do we motivate people to get on board? How do we get people to stop complaining and be a part of the change? How do we effectively equip the members of this community to see it for what it is...a community? How do we as a body of believers see past the messages of our culture, the culture of self-induglence and isolationism? How do you communicate to college students that have agreed to be a part of a Christian college that there are going to be expectations and "rules" that you have to live by in order to uphold the community and the title of Christian institution? How do you teach a transformed life and freedom in Christ to a community of hubris youth who want things to always go their way and can't see past their own desires? I think it's getting harder and harder to do all of these things as we become a more and more individualized society.

I love my job and I am passionate about the success of the college and the success of the students that join us here. I want our students to see that we believe in them and we want the best for them. I have been prayerful about the changes that I feel we need to make as an institution in order to empower them to live to their fullest potential. I want them to be what God created them to be. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life at this point. My greatest desire is for each and every student to come to know Christ in the most authentic way possible, a way that leaves no room for doubt of his power, love, grace and passion for them. I want our college community to be the breeding ground for learning and expressing love, grace and passion for Jesus and his people. I want them to thrive here so that they can go out into their communities when they leave here and be a positive influence for Christ, passionate for him and those who have yet to choose him and I want them to have a good time doing it! As I learn how to be in relationship with The Christ (that was for you, James) I'm finding it to be fun and adventurous! I never know what He is going to do with me, teach me, challenge me with and I never expect Him to love me as much as he does. I always find it surprising and maybe I shouldn't because He continues to be faithful to me even in the times when I am so unfaithful to him.

Please pray that we as a college share a vision of cultivating passionate Christians who are in a continual state of transformation, trying each day to look more and more like Christ.

No esta aqui!

I am taking tomorrow off because my little brother Timmy is taking the plunge and saying "I do" to Kori on Saturday. I will miss all of you dearly but I will see several of you at the wedding.

Also, totally biffed it on the sidewalk at work today and can barely type. I'll tell the whole story later, when my hands work again. I'm mostly hoping that the spot on my chin where some of me landed doesn't turn into a horrid bruise for pictures on Saturday!

Chinook Court

Chinook Court is a long standing tradition here at the college. It is an opportunity to honor God by honoring 5 ladies who have chosen to live out the call to be in relationship with God. These women are known for their Christian leadership and spiritual maturity. Last night was our coronation ceremony. These ladies are so special in their own individual ways. They each were given a different personality, life circumstances, their own kind of personal relationship with God and they each have their own way of living out their faith. They are definately individuals created in a special way by God. He designed each of us to be different and I think it's pretty neat. This activity each year reminds me that there isn't one specific way to be in relationship with God or that being a Christian means altering your personality. God designed us to be who we are and I think it would make him sad for us to try to fit into one specific mold. We all have special gifts and talents that can and should be used for the glory of God. I am so thankful that we are all different and that we don't have force ourselves into a cookie-cutter mold in order to be considered a Christian. I think we honor God when we honor our differences and individuality. I pray that you live in your skin, with the personality given to you by your Creator, with confidence knowing that He wants you to be you. He loves who he made you to be.

Be blessed.

Why Me, God?

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.
-Philippians 3:7-8

There has been an idea floating around in my life in the last few days that I have been thinking about and I don't know that I actually have any answers or anything of worth to offer but I feel like perhaps if I talk about it, I will feel better or maybe someone has some insight to give. I've been reading Stacey Rich's blog for probably about a year now (check it out in the sidebar). I don't know her but I feel like I do (amazing how the internet thing works, huh?). She is reading a book right now called No Perfect People Allowed (brother Big Mike also recommends it). In reading this book, she has posted some questions, thoughts, what-have-you on some fairly heavy God/Christianity/Jesus stuff. One of the questions she brought up was "What about other religions? What about people who have never heard about Jesus? Yeah, I got lucky and was raised in a home where I was taught about Jesus -- but what if I'd grown up in Saudi Arabia or something? What then?". The same conversation came up with a couple of students yesterday at work. I guess it's been on people's minds lately. So, yeah, what then? Why was I born here and not somewhere else? How is it fair that not everyone has the opportunity to know about Christ if he really is the one and only way to God? I guess the only answer for me at this point is: I don't know. I don't know why this is the way the dice fell (I'm guessing it isn't a matter of dice falling to God but it is to me) for me.

This answer raises these next questions for me: What am I going to do about it? What am I going to do with the information I have about Christ? Am I going to make my goal in life creating a comfortable existence in suburbia or take risks and be bold and make sure that other people are afforded the opportunity to know Christ? A gentleman responded on her post today about religiousity and how we have harmed people with our arrogance, intolerance, etc. I think it can apply to these ideas as well. Here is what he said: The "Truth in Love (Grace)" angle would say, "First of all, I don't have all the answers, and I am a flawed human being in need of a Road of Truth…in need of grace and salvation. Through my life, in everything I've tried to fill with the Truth-shaped hole, I keep finding that Jesus is the only Road that is undeniably the all-encompassing, FULL-FILLING way or truth that fits perfectly in that hole....and here's part of my life story to explain why."

As I learn more and more about Christ, I am acutely aware of how my life is no longer my own when I choose him. I have to be changed or the cross was all in vein. My life has to be about Christ and making him my treasure, above all things on this earth. Above relationships for my own pleasure, above financial comfort, above personal praise and recognition, above what my desires are for my life. I must be bold and passionate about Christ. This is what it means to live. This is what each of us was created for. Knowing all of this, there are character traits that I need to change. I need to be more loving towards people I don't want to love, I need to forgive those who have hurt me, I need to tear down the wall that protects me from vulnerability (which doesn't really protect me anyway) and the fear that my vulnerabilities will be used against me. I need to stay in the word so that my zeal will not grow old.

The more time I spend in the word, the more I crave it and oh, how I don't want to lose that! I need it. My life has never felt more complete than when I am with him.

I need to get home, so, I will hopefully have more to share later. Oh, the post that I did about feeling aimless in life, all of these thoughts have helped me to not feel so aimless. Now, I just need to get off my butt and make the necessary changes. My life is good. I have Christ. I don't need anything else. My purpose is to make much of Christ. I have to allow him to change me. I think it's working. I'm a work in progress. I will probably be on here next week however with a "woah is me story". Isn't life funny? At least I know this much about who I am. I am flawed and messed up but He saw something worth dying for.

Be blessed.

A Dose Of Reality

Today I realized how ridiculous I have been about something going on in my life. I got myself a little crushy-poo on someone. He is a great guy but there is nothing about it that makes any amount of sense. He is too young, so not going to happen. My wonderful friends who encourage me to dream the impossible dream say things like: "Why wouldn't he love you, Rebecca? You're a great girl and he is not your average young person" While all of this is true, I think I've needed someone to say something more like this: "Really, Rebecca?" All of you who know me, know the tone in which that should be said.

I'm a little embarrassed at my ridiculous imagination sometimes. This whole thing makes me feel totally foolish. I try really hard to keep myself grounded in reality but he is REALLY neat. I mean, if all of you knew him, you would totally know why I wish it were a possibility. He's fabulous. He is one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever met. He loves Jesus. However, when I stop and think about it, it's so absurd. We are in totally different places in life. I guess ultimately, I want to find my husband and when I meet a young man who is phenomenal, I can't help but think...where is my phenomenal man? The one who fits. I want that companion. I want that person who totally makes me feel comfortable in my skin. I want to know that person who knows every nook and cranny of my screwed up head and says that he loves me still, loves me more, even. I guess sometimes it's easier to dream and live in a fantasy world than to face your current reality. I feel like my current reality is loneliness and no matter how many people are around me, I very rarely feel connected to someone. So, I guess, I'm just always hoping for companionship and for people to know me and love me. Isn't that what we all want?

I am continually prayerful that God is blessing me with the exact thing I need right now. I have to trust him. It's hard for me to do so but the more I get to know God I know that He is not interested in making me uncomfortable or doesn't want to keep from me the very things I desire. Sometimes though, we don't always get what we want and most often that is a good thing.

THE SUN IS OUT!!!

It is 4:43 on Friday afternoon. I don't have a window in my office and it is sunny outside. How is this fair? I don't want to do anything and have spent most of the afternoon doing absolutely nothing. I've talked to a few students, answered some emails, and had a very important meeting with some of my colleauges (not really but we did have some good laughs). I am looking forward to this weekend.

I am really into the book I'm reading right now (Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper). Secretly, I want to cancel my plans for the evening and go home and read my book, but I won't because I need to be around people sometimes. I'm all about supporting my students tonight. Our resident assistants are doing a dinner/fundraiser for student activities so I am going to that and then our students are doing a play this weekend, so I'm bringing my friend Afa with me and we are going to see my lovely students perform this evening. THEN, I will go home and read my good book. It is challenging me to think about everything I do and why I do it. The author suggests that everything I do, EVERYTHING be about magnifying and exalting Christ. I've been feeling the sentiment that every aspect of my life should be honoring to God lately and so this is just encouraging and stregthening this thought. He suggests that if I am not honoring Christ and his cross then I am wasting my life. We were made to magnify God and if we aren't about that, we will always feel empty. Hmmm. There were so many gems last night. I can't wait to get back to it and get some more!!!!

Pardon Our Dust

I got bored and want to change the look of my blog, so, please bear with me while I make some changes.

I wanted to be a superstar!

I've been thinking a lot in the last year about what my life is and what I had hoped it would be. As a young girl, I had all of these aspirations of being famous, traveling around the world singing to the masses and wearing beautiful clothes and having people take care of my every need or whim. I thought my life would consist of multiple episodes of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. The world would be jealous of me and want my life. Of course, I would also have a gorgeous husband and maybe a couple of cute kiddos running around my feet. I wanted to be a star! I wanted everyone to love me and think I was the greatest thing that ever happened. Watch out Whitney Houston (great role model, right?). My hopes for what I would be were great. They were all pretty selfish too. I could hang out in my room for hours dreaming about what my life was going to be and how fabulous it would be.

I am realizing at 29 that my life is nothing I'd hoped for it to be. I have great friends and family, I have a pretty great job, I have a great church family but I feel as if my need for more is never quenchable. I never feel satisfied. I need more for my life. I feel like I am missing something huge from those dreams as a little girl and it's not about the money. I know that money will not make me happy. It isn't about the fame, I know that it won't satisfy. This is about knowing that God created me for great things and I am not living up to that potential. I feel like I am wasting the life I am supposed to be living. I feel like I am not making a difference in the world. I keep thinking about Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail and the struggle she has about what she does for a living running the children's bookstore her mother started. As her livelihood and the thing that matters most to her is threatened with closure by the big bad chain store, she wonders whether or not her life means anything anyway and whether or not it's worth fighting for. She wants so badly for her life to mean something and I guess right now I'm feeling the same way. I want to live my life and when I come to the end of it have people say that I was brave, that I did things that mattered and I wasn't afraid. I am afraid of so many things. I am afraid of failing, I fear that my life is pointless and that I haven't been kind enough or loving enough. I feel selfish and think only about myself. This isn't the life God created for me to live. I'll talk more later.

Have a good night. Talk to you soon.

Random Conversations

Yesterday at work I had a student stop by my office. Now, this happens quite often with the work I do. It is the best part of the job. The reason I felt this was worth posting was because the student that stopped by was one of the least likely to stop in for a chat. You have the handful of consistent stop-in students who want to catch up about life, ask questions about college policy or tell me about the date they had on Friday night. There are even the students who stop in sporadically to "confess their sins" and ask me to pray for them or hold them accountable because they want to change these parts of their life. There are also students here with some animosity towards the office I work in because we have to do the disciplining of students who violate the rules (this is the least fun part of the job). This student is one of those "we know you're doing stuff that isn't the best but we can't prove anything" kinds of student. He usually avoids us and doesn't do much socializing with any of the faculty or staff. I was just struck by the fact that he came in for a chat. He was in my office for a short amount of time (5 minutes maybe) and we didn't talk about anything particularly deep but I keep trying to figure out why he stopped in. Is he really lonely being here on campus and was desperate for human contact? Does he feel guilty about something he did and wants to see if we've heard anything about it (we have students who get struck with paranoia at times)? I have been working here for three years and I have never had a real conversation with him. I was confused but excited about the exchange. I don't know why it happened or if it even means anything but I can't stop thinking about it. I could very well be trying to analyze it way too much.

What random conversation have you had that made you think, think about why that conversation happened or made you think about the way you thought about something or someone, made you change a behavior or even change the way you felt about your faith, about God, about humanity? I'm curious to know if anyone else has felt this way.

I miss it

I miss blogging. There...I said it. I miss the days of being able to surf everyone's blogs and see what is going on in the lives of people I know (or don't know, for that matter). I feel totally out of the loop and completely uninspired on most days, with nothing to say about the world or what is going on in all of my blogger friends lives. I don't know what happened, where I suddenly had so much work to do in a day that I couldn't see what was happening in people's lives. Now, I just feel like a peeping blogger, a voyeur of sorts.

I don't know when this will change but I miss being plugged in to the blog world. I feel like I've lost all of my sense of humor and any type of insight I might have used to had. Now, I feel like a regular old person who can only have conversations in real life. What is happening to me?

Ok, now that I have said my peace, I am going back to work and doing things that regular people do. Boring.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Life Update

Ok, so my entire family has now moved into the area. Mike and Janna are in Beaverton and my parents moved to Portland. Tim is the furthest from us and he is only in Salem. What is happening? I feel like I've entered into a weird vortex that now includes all of my siblings and my parents. I am excited because I love Portland and I'm glad that I was able to hold out long enough to get all of them here rather than me having to move where they are. This makes things like Christmas so much easier. And, I can do free laundry and mom and dad's house (always good). I went over last night and mom made me dinner.

This story would have been a lot different if I had posted while they were camped out in my living room last week. They put all of their belongings into a storage unit and brought over the air mattress and slept on the floor while they looked for a place to live. Now, you all have to realize that my apartment is probably somewhere between 550-600 square feet (if I'm not being overly generous with my estimation). Needless to say, the quarters were cramped. Praise be to God that they found a place rather quickly and I am back to having my own place. I did however get a wake up call the other morning. My doorbell rang at approximately 7:20am (I can't say for sure as I was still in bed). "Who would be ringing the doorbell at this time?" This was the question I was asking myself as I rolled out of my bed. I peeked out the peephole and saw that my mother was on the other side. "This isn't happening" was my thought as I unlocked my door. It was. She decided to bring me a latte to start my day because she was out taking my dad to the airport. Which, is so nice and I was so thankful once I woke up but I was so confused and disoriented at the time that I'm sure I said nasty things in a nasty tone to my mom.

It's ok. God is now punishing me with a furnace that won't work. I think I have freezer burn on my fingers and toes from sleeping in an icebox last night. I came home from work last night to a really cold apartment. I had this problem several weeks ago and then it just started working again. I told my landlord about it but I have a feeling once I told him that it was working again he didn't bother to take a look at it. So, I thought it was just being finicky. I went over to mom's for dinner and to help her unpack some boxes. I came home and it still wouldn't work. So, I slept in sweats (I hate sleeping with pants on. They get all bunched at the knees), had my feather bed under me, flannel sheets, a down comforter, a flannel comforter and a quilt. When I got up this morning, it was less than 50 degree in my apartment! I didn't want to get out of my bed, but it sure made for a quick "get ready" this morning. I was out the door as fast as possible.

This is my life right now. Things are good, but cold. :) Our students seem like they are in the process of meltdown. It is time for them to have a break and us to have a break from them. You could pray for them. This is a crazy time for them. They're tired and overwhelmed and starting to see the consequences of their choices (both good and bad). We are suspending quite a few right now for various things. This is a tough time of year for our office. We do get rewarded with a week and a half off from work. SOLD! :)

Take care.

Nothing Fancy Today

God amazes me. I just need to say that today. That's all. There is no motive, no story to go with it. Nothing fancy happened.

I pray that you all are blessed today and that you clearly see how powerfully God is working in your life. Have a fantastic weekend!

Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott

I just finished reading Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I was stretched to consider other ways of interpreting faith and my belief in God. Her ideas are rather edgy in comparison to most of my thoughts and I would argue for most people. I have always thought my interpretation of faith and belief in God were a little more "liberal" than most Christians I have come across and then I read this book...

At what point do you have to read God's Word and draw a line at what is "acceptable" Kingdom behavior? At what point do you have to change things that you are doing in your life because they are just flat out do not line up with God's teaching? Isn't part of being transformed and dying to self changing the things about us that are not holy? I am supposed to die to self and allow Christ to live in me. My lifestyle must reflect my death and His life. I did appreciate her honesty and reality about life. She made herself quite veulnerable to my criticism and the criticism of many other self-righteous folk. I definately have my act together like no one else. :)

I don't want anyone to confuse my thoughts with having it all figured out or being better or more holy but I AM convicted that my life should be a sacrifice, it should be giving up the things of this world, things that my flesh desire, that my sinful self would prefer in order to honor Christ. I don't honor him with my justifications or lack of submission. I have to honor God with ALL of my life, with everything that I have, all that I am. This means giving up the things that I want. Does this mean I won't struggle as I make these changes? Surely not but does that mean I don't keep trying? There were times when I was reading that I wasn't so sure there was an understanding of changing the things in our lives that don't bring honor to Christ. Maybe it was my interpretation of what I was reading. Perhaps I am totally mistaken.

Overall, good book. I was challenged to evaluate many parts of my heart and my motivations. I was definately presented with different ideas and was pushed out of my comfort zone at times. I'm always up for reading differing thoughts and perspectives. And for all of you who worry about me and my more liberal political ideas, I've got nothing on this girl! You might as well put me on the same right wing as Rush Limbaugh or President Bush (but please don't).

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I'm still processing.

All You Need Is Love

As Christ has loved me, so I am to love others. This weekend I watched an MTV documentary called True Life: I'm Dead Broke. I watched as three young people struggled to survive. I watched them pump water so they could cook, brush their teeth, try to save enough money to buy a $500 car, figure out how to get into an $800/month apartment (in the ghetto) when they only have $500 to their name. My heart was broken. I can't get the images out of my head and my heart. I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't much I can do for those three young adults. I know that there are people just like them right here in Portland. What do I do to help them? I can't fix the world by myself but I should be doing something to help those around me in need. I have abundance. I am rich. I am so blessed.

God is my strength and my provider. I don't want for anything. I am a spoiled brat. I live beyond my means. I am selfish. I am irresponsible. Christ's love for me covers my irresponsibility, my spoiled nature, my sinful nature. Christ's love fills me and I need nothing else. I am amazed by his faithfulness to me. I have been working hard at developing a relationship with Him. It is amazing to me how quickly He fills us and draws near to us when we seek Him. He is faithful to love the unloveable. He loves me. There are so many times when I feel pretty unloveable. There are so many times that I feel completely misunderstood but Christ understands me. He knows all of my unloveableness and all of my ugliness and He still wants to be with me. He adores me. He wants me to want him. All he wants from me is for me to love him as much as he loves me. Isn't that what we all want? All we need is love...

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US
HOW VAST BEYOND ALL MEASURE
THAT HE SHOULD GIVE HIS ONLY SON
TO MAKE A WRETCH HIS TREASURE
HOW GREAT THE PAIN OF SEARING LOSS
THE FATHER TURNS HIS FACE AWAY
AS WOUNDS WHICH MAR THE CHOSEN ONE
BRING ANY SONS TO GLORY
BEHOLD THE MAN UPON A CROSS
MY SIN UPON HIS SHOULDERS
ASHAMED I HERE MY MOCKING VOICE
CALL OUT AMONG THE SCOFFERS
IT WAS MY SIN THAT HELD HIM THERE
UNTIL IT WAS ACCOMPLISHED
HIS DYING BREATH HAS BROUGHT ME LIFE
I KNOW THAT IT IS FINISHED
I WILL NOT BOAST IN ANYTHING
NO GIFTS, NO POWER, NO WISDOM
BUT I WILL BOAST IN JESUS CHRIST
HIS DEATH AND RESURRECTION
WHY SHOULD I GAIN FROM HIS REWARD
I CANNOT GIVE AN ANSWER
BUT THIS I KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART
HIS WOUNDS HAVE PAID MY RANSOM

Trust God?

How do you have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe? How can He be small enough to really care what my favorite color is when He created all of the colors? How do you wrap your head and heart around the reality that He really does want to know everything about you? The part that is so weird about this relationship is that He already knows everything about you. I think this is what makes it so bizarre.

Mike's blog reminded me that I needed to post what has been going on with me spiritually in the last few weeks. My current struggle is not doubting that God is. I believe with every ounce of my being that God is alive and at work actively in my life and yours. I believe that my soul would be empty without Him and my life unfulfilled without him. I know that I need Him in my life and I would die without Him. BUT...(there's always a but)how in the world do you have a relationship with Him? I don't know how to do it. With that lack of understanding, it has made my having a relationship with Him difficult. I don't know how to do it. All I have to compare it to is a human relationship and it just isn't the same. How can I trust that He is faithful to His promises to prosper me and not to harm me when I don't know how to talk to him? How can I trust Him when most people let me down or I let them down? I can't wrap my head around all of it. I know that if I am not making choices every day, EVERY DAY, to invest in a relationship with Him, I will never get there. I want my cake and to be able to eat it too. I want it to be easy but is any relationship worth having easy? I know my life can be more than it is but it's all up to me. It is my lack of work that has gotten me here and made me frustrated. It is my unfaithfulness. How can I truly feel comfortable giving up control of my life to the God I don't feel like I know and trust? So, each day, I am letting God of the hook and taking responsibility for where I am. I am working to understand how to have a relationship, an open and honest relationship with God. I think He wants me to say that this is where I am. I think He wants me to be honest with Him and with myself. As I invest in this relationship, I pray that it will be easier to give more and more control over to God. I want Him to rule over my life, I want to trust Him with everything. It is hard to give over control and trust to an acquaintance. I wouldn't do it with a person and I can't do it with God, but I will. I will get there. I will let go, I will trust Him. I will know Him in a very real and intimate way. I will trust Him with every aspect of my life and every nook and cranny of my heart, my innermost secrets, my hurts, my desires, my joys, victories. It will happen...

I am alive

There has been much going on but none of it very exciting. Paula got married this weekend (that was exciting). It was great to see people that live here in town but I never see because we are all really busy. I have been doing a lot of work and things are starting to feel like they're slowing down. My life is really boring right now. I work and I try to go home and rest. :) I was in bed at 9:15 last night. Why am I so lame? It felt good to sleep that long though, so I can't complain. I was happy to do it.

I did get to see my friend Mamie who is like 6 months pregnant. She is just about the cutest little pregnant thing ever. I have lots of cute pregnant friends actually but she is so stinkin' cute! Amy, her husband Justin and her brother Andrew had to evacuate Houston and so her parents flew them up here. So I'm not sure whether or not I should be thanking God or what but it worked out for me to get to see Amy. I went over to her parents house on Sunday after church and hung out until about 8:30 that night (I got home late). The thing that is so great about her family is that I love all of them. Her brother Aaron and his wife Amy were up for Paula's wedding, Amy's cousin Brooke and her family, aunt Paula and all of the kiddos were there. I feel very comfortable with all of them. Amy and I snuck off for a couple of hours and had a long awaited, much anticipated Starbucks date. We haven't done that in a couple of years. When she was still here in town, we used to do it all of the time. We can sit and talk for hours about really dumb stuff or really great, deep and meaningful stuff. I love that we can just pick up where we left off like we just saw each other last week. We talked about God and about family and her upcoming baby. We talked about marriage and their new house that they bought. It is so funny how we age! I have to admit that we were talking about these things when we were 21 also but it really wasn't a reality then. We wanted to get married and live in the same cul-de-sac and raise our babies together. The odds of that actually happening are slim but it is fun to talk about all of the things happening in our lives. I love talking with her about the things that God is doing in my life and to hear how he is working in her life, too. I am so blessed to have friends that I can talk about God with. I am so thankful for friends that encourage my relationship with God and challenge me to always be examining myself and strive to be more Christ-like daily. I am thankful for relationships that work the way God intended them to work.

I'll update later when I'm not supposed to be working.

Quiet Moments

My days have been so hectic these last few weeks and I am trying desperately to remain calm and patient with myself as I attempt to complete all of the work before me. There are what seem to be pointless and time-wasting tasks and requests around every turn. I want to scream because I feel like I spend my day doing things that mean absolutely nothing and the list of "to do's" keeps getting longer and longer.

Like right now, I am sitting in the front part of my office printing off the backs to the student ID cards. I've been sitting out here and normally what I would do is run back and forth from this computer to the one in my office so that I could do more than one thing at a time (time efficient, right?) but Jimmy, the IT guy is trying to fix something else for me in my office and so I must stay out here. I am limited to one project at a time for right now. I guess this is good because I can sit here and update my bloggie-mcblog and reflect on the last few weeks of my life. I felt like a jerk last week. My mom is here from California for a visit. She surprised me with very little notice and it kind of stressed me out because I know that the next few weeks are really busy and crazy and knowing that mom was sitting at my apartment while I was working would make me feel bad for her, adding more stress to my schedule right now. She was great this last week. She was laid back and encouraging, she offered to come in and help me if I needed it (free labor, right?). She took care of me like only mom can and was totally understanding that I needed to work. She even spoiled me with treats I don't need! Moms are like that. It was really nice to just hang out with her in the evenings, a no pressure visit. I really enjoyed my time with her. So, back to why I felt like a jerk. She offered to do something very nice for me and we were trying to schedule it and I got frustrated because it hit me that the reality of my schedule for the next few weeks was ridiculous. I kind of snapped at her because of it and I feel like a jerk because she was doing something so nice, that she didn't have to do, and I snapped at her. Not because she did anything wrong, but because I was stressed out just thinking about my schedule. For that, I am sorry mom. :( Why do we take things out on people when it's not their fault? Why do I get the snappiest with the people who love me the most? My mom would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. NEVER. Anyway, that is my confession for the week.

To go along with that, as I was sitting here being frustrated about all of the things I need to do, it came to me that I need to be thankful for my job and the role I am able to play in the lives of so many young people. My work may seem tedious right now but the reality is that I get to have amazing interactions with young people who I share my life with as they share theirs. We struggle with each other and teach each other things. I make mistakes in front of them and they do the same. We laugh with each other, cry together, encounter God together. I am so blessed to have this job. The pay is horrible but the rewards are so great. I heard a few weeks ago that one of our recent grads who applied for a job told the interviewers that one of the biggest influences in his life here at Cascade was me! What a compliment! I have watched him struggle, we have fought and cried, laughed a lot. I've fed him, done his laundry, and watched him give an amazing speech at commencement this last year. His path has been a tough one, but God has been faithful to him and now we get to be coworkers! He is getting married in a week and a half. I don't get to go but I am so excited for him. I have to be here meeting new students whom I will be able to invest in the way I invested in him (and he invested in me). I can't say that this would happen at many other places.

It was in the quiet moments of printing ID cards that all of this came to me. My work is not in vein. I am blessed. So, as I return to the seemingly mindless work of preparing for students to arrive back on campus, I think about the great things that happen because of the mundane. My work is for the Lord. I may have helped the one student who God meant for me to influence, but somehow I think there may be more work for me.

Find your quiet moment and reflect on why you do what you do. I bet there are blessings in your mundane, too.

I thought of something but it makes me sound like a whiny baby...will you still be my friend?

I just finished typing my "in progress" to do lists for my job at the College and they are exactly 3 pages long and going strong (that's right, there is more than one and I know more things will come up). These are all the things that I need to do in the next month and a half. I feel like having a pity party and asking for the rest of that chocolate cake that we enjoyed at Shanna's last night. Sorry for whining but I thought someone out there might care that I will be bald by September 1st.

On a brighter note, Mandi said I could come over and eat dinner (this means I don't have to cook tonight. I am down with that. Cross dinner off my list).

See you in September!!!

My Babies!!!!

Not really mine, but I can't help myself! If I never have my own children, this is the closest I will ever get to knowing what it's like to be totally infatuated. They are amazing gifts from God and I am so blessed that my brother and sister-in-law are amazing parents! Madeline and Jordan are precious and I can't imagine them ever feeling like they aren't loved. It breaks my heart to think about the fact that there are children out in the world who wonder. I am so thankful that I can be a part of their lives. The entire time I was with them, I felt like I couldn't tell them enough how much I love them. Poor Madeline was probably tired of hearing me say it to her 80 times a day. I guess I would rather her be tired of me saying it than wishing that I said it more. May we all tell each other too often how much we love each other rather than have anyone wish that we said it more.


P.S. I'm not sure what face Madeline is making! I think she didn't like the flash on the camera.

Back to the Grind

So, here I am back at my desk at work. I would much rather be with my niece and nephew but life goes on, right? There is much to do here in the office since I was gone for a week but I don't wanna (said in most whiny voice possible)!

I love my life...

So, I just got back from the hospital a few minutes ago. I got Madeline tucked away nicely for a nap and got caught up on the blog scene. I just had to get on here and tell you all that my nephew is perfect! He is absolutely gorgeous and perfect! He looks like Mike, which is freaky, but he is very handsome! Go look at Tim's blog for a pic. I wanna go take a nap (Madeline has A LOT of energy!). Bye, friends!

Another baby...

I am pleased to announce that my dear friends, Tim and Mandi, had their baby girl last night. OLIVIA MABEL (isn't that the cutest?) was born at 8:47pm weighing 8lbs 2oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. Mandi and Olivia are doing well. I am going to visit them at lunch and desperately wished I had a digital camera to share photos with you of, I'm sure, one of the cutest little girls ever.

Now I just need Mike and Janna to decide it's time for baby. Mike, could you take Janna for a run or something? Madeline said she is ready for her little brother (she did, she told me last night...).

This is what I've decided...

I have decided that shopping for wedding attire is never fun. NEVER FUN!!!! I adore my friend but I did not have very much fun looking for clothes for her wedding this weekend. We did get her dress ordered, purchased my dress, found and purchased a dress for her niece (for $27!!!) but I am not a fan of shopping (at least not for clothes). Let me shop for books, home decor, clothes for my niece, CD's...basically anything but clothes for adult people (especially for weddings). I think the other thing that is difficult about shopping for wedding attire is that everyone has an opinion about what should be happening. You can't solve the problem because everyone wants to be involved in the process (I, myself, am guilty) and give their wonderful ideas (again, I am full of wonderful ideas). With each wedding that I am part of, the better it sounds to go get married on a beach somewhere and invite all of your friends and family. If they can make it great, if not, sorry for all of us but I will still be married at the end of the day. That sounds good.

The wedding is going to be beautiful. I do like what she is doing. It is going to be a lovely occasion. Just not a fan of the shopping.

Mullet Central

Since James is dying to know what happened at the concert, I thought I would give you a taste of what happened, though nothing I could say would bring you to that place. :)

I have never seen so many mullets in my life. Now, when I have gone to see Bon Jovi (twice) in concert, there are always some die hard fans

that look the same as when Slippery When Wet

was released for the first time. But at this concert, I couldn't believe how many mullets I saw. There were gobs of "older women" holding on to what might have been in their youths. These women seemed to have no concept of how they have aged and how you don't still carry a can of Aqua Net with you in your purse, take it out, turn your hair upside down and start going to town with the hairspray. There were TIGHT tapered jeans, men who thought they were as hot now as they were in high school and thought they might actually have a shot at the hottie a few seats down. It was a an 80's rockfest reunion. What frightened me most were the young kiddos who had borrowed (or had their own) original tour tshirts at the concert that they were proudly displaying in the hopes that Bryan Adams or Def Leppard would catch a glimpse of them. I guess its better than them proudly regurgitating 50 Cent or Eminem. Although, there were some pretty provocative lyrics at this concert, too. I guess I sang at the top of my lungs "I'm hot, sticky sweet, from my head to my feet" and I turned out alright (some might disagree).

Overall, it was a fun concert. I think I enjoyed people watching far more than the actual concert. I think Rici died and went to love song heaven. She stayed down at the stage for the majority of Bryan Adams' performance. She did snap some good photos (we're just waiting to get copies so we can post them). He basically looks exactly the same but older. No one could understand a word that Def Leppard was saying when they would talk.

Anyway, there is a little taste of what we encountered at the Bryan Adams/Def Leppard concert. I know you are jealous.

Poor Some Sugar On Me

Tonight I am going with several friends to a Def Leppard/Bryan Adams concert. I have NO IDEA what the combo is all about but it will be fun, I'm sure. I'm putting some money down that I will see at least 5 mullets tonight. Perhaps even some spandex. I'll let you know all about it later. Rock on!

Sunday was a good day...

Sunday was fantastic! Our new minister was here this weekend looking for a house to purchase (they won't actually be here until August). Worship was outstanding! I was moved to tears because I was so happy (I realize I am often moved to tears for various reasons but Sunday it was out of joy). God is so good and He is so faithful to those who seek after Him. I needed to be with my church family and praise Him with them.

We then had a picnic in the park across the street from the community center. We just hung out together and we haven't done that much. It was a good day. I love my church family.

That's all.

It's Official...

Well folks, we have been waiting for this day. I know she is busy working her way through her list of people to contact but I am so excited for her that I can't keep my mouth shut (I often find this task difficult)...

PAULA IS ENGAGED!!!!! YAY FOR MY FRIEND!!!!

She has been patiently waiting for God to bring this man into her life. She did it God's way and I am so excited for her and proud of her for being wise and patient and doing what God wanted her to do. She is an example to me of what it means to trust God. May God bless you with decades of happiness, friend!

My friend Buffy

Today was a good day. I got to walking at the crack with Rebecca Marie (it's been a while) and catch up a little bit. The crack wasn't good but it was good to get this old body moving and talk with my friend.

The best part of the day (sorry Rebecca Marie) is that I got to see my friend Amy, who has several nicknames, one of them being Buffy. I'm not even sure at this point why that happened. I think one day we were making fun of old rich ladies and ridiculous names that they have and started calling each other Buffy...I have no idea anymore. She is the gold to my silver. Everything about us is opposite(she is short and I am tall, she is thin and I am...not, she is blonde, I am a brunette, etc.) except that we love God, we love each other and we love to laugh out loud a lot. I can't imagine my life without her in it. She lives in dumb ol' Houston with her husband, who is a youth minister (and her younger brother also lives there with them). Anyway, I don't remember exactly when the last time it was that I saw her (maybe Christmas 03?). She flew into Seattle to visit with her parents and other family in the area and then she and her momma (one of my other moms) got in the Golden Easter Egg to drive to California where her other brother and sister-in-law live. Amy has a niece that she has never seen (I would die if my brother and sister-in-law were still in Texas and I wasn't able to see Madeline. Thankfully they wised up and moved back to the Northwest). So Amy and her mom stopped on their way through town so that we could have breakfast together. It is amazing to me that I can have a friend that I haven't seen in forever and it's like no time has passed at all. I am blessed to have a couple of these friends. We had a quick breakfast, good conversation and they were on their way. Buffy is currently with child and I am sad that she is so far away from me. It was, however, a really good day because I got to see my friend, Buffy.

God is so good at giving us people in our lives to love us the way He would if He were here in human form. Buffy is one of those people in my life. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is nothing I could do that would make her stop loving me, just as God does. I am so thankful for both.

This picture is me and Buffy from a couple of years ago. It's the only digital picture I have of the two of us:



She is one of the best people that God ever made. I am thankful to call her friend.

Weekend?...Where?

So, here is how my weekend went...

I was getting ready to head to Seattle on Friday to do an Arbonne class when I got a phone call from Timmy that his car had broken down on his way up from Salem and he was stranded at the N. Wilsonville exit (he was flying to California to do a youth rally). It was 11:45 and he was supposed to meet the other dude who was going at noon to ride to the airport. "Oh, ok. I will let him know and I will hop in my car and come get you. I'll be right there." Tim was able to find someone to take care of his car (which looks to be a bad battery), so he left it on the offramp and we headed to Portland. I got Tim connected with our friend and headed on my merry way to Seattle. I got to Seattle just fine (although traffic up there is horrid no matter what time of the day you get there). My friend Paula was running late so I sat in front of her apartment for 25 minutes waiting for her. We got ourselves put back together (sortof) and went to dinner and did some shopping at the ol' Super Mall (which isn't very super, by the way). We hung out and watched TLC's What Not To Wear (wild Friday night!!!!). Because we are both old and ridiculous, we went to bed at like 11 (and she had to go to work the next morning). I woke up at 9am bright eyed! I was so displeased. My plan was to sleep until like 11 but it didn't happen. I put a bagel in the toaster and went to the restroom. I was jolted off the toily by the sound of the smoke detector. I tried to burn down her apartment! I couldn't get the smoke alarm to shut up!!!! I was able to save the house but not the bagel. I made another but stayed and watched it very closely. I laid on the couch and watched episodes of Newlyweds with Nick and Jessica and Cribs before I finally got up and showered and got myself ready for the day. I went to Paula's sister's house, who was hosting the class for me. Paula's mom, sister and one other person were the only ones who showed. So, needless to say, it didn't go as well as any of us had hoped. Paula's sister and mom both gave me money because they felt bad and felt like I didn't even make enough to cover my gas. So sweet.

Paula got off work and came over to her sister's house. We were going to Sam's Club because Paula needed to get food for a thank-you party for her volunteers at work (Wild Saturday night is a brewin). Paula switched cars with her mom because all of her goods weren't going to fit in her car. Paula's sister came with us. We stopped at Applebee's for some half-priced appetizers for dinner. It was at Applebees that Paula realized she didn't have her wallet (uh-oh). She called her mom and asked her to look in the car. Not there. Not in her mom's car, not in the Applebee's bathroom, not at her sister's. Where was it???Paula at this point feels like she is losing her mind. Paula has a business check for Sam's club so we go there. She decides she would like to by her office just to make sure she didn't leave it there. We drive 45 minutes to the Sam's club on that side of town so that she can also go by her office. Crazy long night but it was fine. We chatted with one of the artists who was working on a mural at the Children's Village and her husband. They are Christians so it was nice to just talk about life. Her husband was a student at one of the other small Christian colleges in the Northwest. Paula got a phone call at like 10pm that her mom found her wallet in the car after all! YAY!!!!

Yesterday was a crazy long day, too. We got up and went to church, which was fabulous and then I got on the road. I had to stop in Puyallup to deliver some products and then headed back home. I already knew at this point that I was going to need to take Tim back to Salem since his car was not here. The plan was for his plane to land at 5 and I was going to meet him here at the College at 5:30 and get him home. He called me about 3 and said his flight was delayed and he would be getting into town at 7:30ish. So, I just went straight home and took a little nap. I got up and went and visited my friend Amy and peeked in my new apartment (Amy said they had been sanding my beautiful hardwood floors all day). I can't wait to get moved in!!!! I left Amy's and came over to the College. I thought I would wait for him here, check email maybe get some work done until he got here. Well, he didn't get here until 9:30!!!!! I still had to drive Tim home to Salem. We had to go by my apartment so that Tim could get a few things that he had left there. We went through the Starbucks drive-thru for coffee and I noticed that I was short a headlight. Tim and I then drove over to the Fred Meyer and in the parking lot at 10pm with hardly any light, Tim changed the light for me. I didn't get home until 12:45 this morning. God sure thinks He's funny. He did orchestrate a great opportunity for Tim and I to catch up. I hadn't been to Tim's apartment yet and he was able to show me where some of their ministry stuff has been taking place as we drove to Tim's place. God is always good. I will choose to look at Tim's car breaking down, but easily fixed problem, and Paula's missing but then found wallet as God always showing us that He is in control and often, there is nothing that we can do to solve the problem (but how important it is to help each other out when we can). He also wanted me to be a helpful sister and have the chance to hang out with my fantastic brother, and be a supportive and calm presence to my very stressed out friend. So...long story about my crazy weekend~ hectic but good. It was nice to sleep in my bed last night and I am looking forward to doing it again very soon. Let's always look for the blessings in the craziness that is life!

Just Thinking...

I was reading my fantastic brother Mike's blog about some of the things he heard at the Pepperdine lectures. I have also been reading the amazing things that Timmy has been saying about evangelism. I'm just wondering what it is going to take for us to really and I mean really get the message of Jesus. I mean, all of my life, I have known about Christ, I have gone to church and often times thought I was worshipping Christ. Why can't I love people, and by love people I mean really love people, the way that Christ wants me to? What is wrong with me? Where did I fall and totally and completely miss the mark? Why am I so stubborn? Why am I so unwilling to live my life with passion for the God who makes it possible for me to be in relationship with Him? Why do I so crave the trappings of the world when it so clear that my life is full when I am in Christ? Why do I get so caught up in my imperfections and lack the desire to share the saving power of Jesus with others because I fear that they will reject me? How dare I! How dare I not share Him with everyone I encounter! How dare I not ask my friends to hold me to holy living! How dare I not hold my friends to holy living! Will I look foolish? Maybe! Does it matter? No. I have been saved from my sin and yet I chose over and over to live in it and turn my back on the One who freed me from the death that comes with sin. Why do we continue to chose death? Why do we chose death for others by withholding the Gospel out of our own personal insecurities? I think if I truly felt the transforming power of the Gospel, I wouldn't have these hangups. How do I swallow the depth of the Message? Do I need to spend time working through the spiritual disciplines? What do we need to do? What is it going to take for us to really get it? What are we afraid of? What would the world look like if we all became dangerous Christians, unapologetic, unafraid, unrestrained...what would happen if we all let go of whatever doctrine that we have emersed ourselves in and emersed ourselves in the blood of Jesus Christ?

I know that my thoughts are jumbled. What I know for sure is that we have got to get serious about the faith that we claim to have. I need to get busy loving people and finding ways to meet people where they are and not expect them to walk through the doors of Living Streams and understand what is happening there (no matter what that may look like).

Lord, please reveal to me in an unquestionable way the Gospel as you intended it. Help me fight through my own issues so that others may also have life with you. May I never hold back your message out of my own fear. Continue to love me in the way that only you can and show me how to love others the way that you want me to. Please forgive me for all of the times that I haven't chosen to do the right thing for whatever reason I may have done it. Thank you for being a forgiving Father, a loving Father who wants nothing but the best for each of us, I know you want us to all live full happy lives covered in the peace of knowing that you are in love with us and can't wait to be reunited with us. What else could I possibly need?

New Lease on Life!

I am excited to report that I have signed a new lease and am moving at the end of the month. After spending time in South America, I felt like I was monopolizing more space than I need and I have WAY more junk than I need, so when my dear friend Amy told me that there was an apartment in her complex opening up, I decided to go for it. It is a charming complex but space is limited (not like Paula's space was limited but limited nonetheless). I get to downsize and get rid of things that I don't need/use and live more within my means. My challenge right now anyway is to deny myself more than I allow myself and I usually don't succeed. Do I really need all of the clothes I have? Do I need more CD's than I could listen to in a month? Do I need movies that I rarely watch? Where do you draw the line? I am currently challenging myself to get rid of half of my movies and CD's and to evaluate my wardrobe and take it down a little. It's been easy to toss all of the stored up chemically based makeup, shampoo and cleaning products that have been sitting in my cupboards for months but can I really give up 5 of the 10 sweaters I own? Probably with much struggle and inner dialogue. It really will feel better if I can get myself down to even 20 pairs of shoes, rather than 50. Who am I that I need so many things???? I am really truly looking forward to this task. Anyone wear a size 10 shoe who might could benefit from my purge? Let me know!