Nothing Fancy Today

God amazes me. I just need to say that today. That's all. There is no motive, no story to go with it. Nothing fancy happened.

I pray that you all are blessed today and that you clearly see how powerfully God is working in your life. Have a fantastic weekend!

Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott

I just finished reading Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I was stretched to consider other ways of interpreting faith and my belief in God. Her ideas are rather edgy in comparison to most of my thoughts and I would argue for most people. I have always thought my interpretation of faith and belief in God were a little more "liberal" than most Christians I have come across and then I read this book...

At what point do you have to read God's Word and draw a line at what is "acceptable" Kingdom behavior? At what point do you have to change things that you are doing in your life because they are just flat out do not line up with God's teaching? Isn't part of being transformed and dying to self changing the things about us that are not holy? I am supposed to die to self and allow Christ to live in me. My lifestyle must reflect my death and His life. I did appreciate her honesty and reality about life. She made herself quite veulnerable to my criticism and the criticism of many other self-righteous folk. I definately have my act together like no one else. :)

I don't want anyone to confuse my thoughts with having it all figured out or being better or more holy but I AM convicted that my life should be a sacrifice, it should be giving up the things of this world, things that my flesh desire, that my sinful self would prefer in order to honor Christ. I don't honor him with my justifications or lack of submission. I have to honor God with ALL of my life, with everything that I have, all that I am. This means giving up the things that I want. Does this mean I won't struggle as I make these changes? Surely not but does that mean I don't keep trying? There were times when I was reading that I wasn't so sure there was an understanding of changing the things in our lives that don't bring honor to Christ. Maybe it was my interpretation of what I was reading. Perhaps I am totally mistaken.

Overall, good book. I was challenged to evaluate many parts of my heart and my motivations. I was definately presented with different ideas and was pushed out of my comfort zone at times. I'm always up for reading differing thoughts and perspectives. And for all of you who worry about me and my more liberal political ideas, I've got nothing on this girl! You might as well put me on the same right wing as Rush Limbaugh or President Bush (but please don't).

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I'm still processing.

All You Need Is Love

As Christ has loved me, so I am to love others. This weekend I watched an MTV documentary called True Life: I'm Dead Broke. I watched as three young people struggled to survive. I watched them pump water so they could cook, brush their teeth, try to save enough money to buy a $500 car, figure out how to get into an $800/month apartment (in the ghetto) when they only have $500 to their name. My heart was broken. I can't get the images out of my head and my heart. I don't know what to do about it. I guess there really isn't much I can do for those three young adults. I know that there are people just like them right here in Portland. What do I do to help them? I can't fix the world by myself but I should be doing something to help those around me in need. I have abundance. I am rich. I am so blessed.

God is my strength and my provider. I don't want for anything. I am a spoiled brat. I live beyond my means. I am selfish. I am irresponsible. Christ's love for me covers my irresponsibility, my spoiled nature, my sinful nature. Christ's love fills me and I need nothing else. I am amazed by his faithfulness to me. I have been working hard at developing a relationship with Him. It is amazing to me how quickly He fills us and draws near to us when we seek Him. He is faithful to love the unloveable. He loves me. There are so many times when I feel pretty unloveable. There are so many times that I feel completely misunderstood but Christ understands me. He knows all of my unloveableness and all of my ugliness and He still wants to be with me. He adores me. He wants me to want him. All he wants from me is for me to love him as much as he loves me. Isn't that what we all want? All we need is love...

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US
HOW VAST BEYOND ALL MEASURE
THAT HE SHOULD GIVE HIS ONLY SON
TO MAKE A WRETCH HIS TREASURE
HOW GREAT THE PAIN OF SEARING LOSS
THE FATHER TURNS HIS FACE AWAY
AS WOUNDS WHICH MAR THE CHOSEN ONE
BRING ANY SONS TO GLORY
BEHOLD THE MAN UPON A CROSS
MY SIN UPON HIS SHOULDERS
ASHAMED I HERE MY MOCKING VOICE
CALL OUT AMONG THE SCOFFERS
IT WAS MY SIN THAT HELD HIM THERE
UNTIL IT WAS ACCOMPLISHED
HIS DYING BREATH HAS BROUGHT ME LIFE
I KNOW THAT IT IS FINISHED
I WILL NOT BOAST IN ANYTHING
NO GIFTS, NO POWER, NO WISDOM
BUT I WILL BOAST IN JESUS CHRIST
HIS DEATH AND RESURRECTION
WHY SHOULD I GAIN FROM HIS REWARD
I CANNOT GIVE AN ANSWER
BUT THIS I KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART
HIS WOUNDS HAVE PAID MY RANSOM

Trust God?

How do you have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe? How can He be small enough to really care what my favorite color is when He created all of the colors? How do you wrap your head and heart around the reality that He really does want to know everything about you? The part that is so weird about this relationship is that He already knows everything about you. I think this is what makes it so bizarre.

Mike's blog reminded me that I needed to post what has been going on with me spiritually in the last few weeks. My current struggle is not doubting that God is. I believe with every ounce of my being that God is alive and at work actively in my life and yours. I believe that my soul would be empty without Him and my life unfulfilled without him. I know that I need Him in my life and I would die without Him. BUT...(there's always a but)how in the world do you have a relationship with Him? I don't know how to do it. With that lack of understanding, it has made my having a relationship with Him difficult. I don't know how to do it. All I have to compare it to is a human relationship and it just isn't the same. How can I trust that He is faithful to His promises to prosper me and not to harm me when I don't know how to talk to him? How can I trust Him when most people let me down or I let them down? I can't wrap my head around all of it. I know that if I am not making choices every day, EVERY DAY, to invest in a relationship with Him, I will never get there. I want my cake and to be able to eat it too. I want it to be easy but is any relationship worth having easy? I know my life can be more than it is but it's all up to me. It is my lack of work that has gotten me here and made me frustrated. It is my unfaithfulness. How can I truly feel comfortable giving up control of my life to the God I don't feel like I know and trust? So, each day, I am letting God of the hook and taking responsibility for where I am. I am working to understand how to have a relationship, an open and honest relationship with God. I think He wants me to say that this is where I am. I think He wants me to be honest with Him and with myself. As I invest in this relationship, I pray that it will be easier to give more and more control over to God. I want Him to rule over my life, I want to trust Him with everything. It is hard to give over control and trust to an acquaintance. I wouldn't do it with a person and I can't do it with God, but I will. I will get there. I will let go, I will trust Him. I will know Him in a very real and intimate way. I will trust Him with every aspect of my life and every nook and cranny of my heart, my innermost secrets, my hurts, my desires, my joys, victories. It will happen...

I am alive

There has been much going on but none of it very exciting. Paula got married this weekend (that was exciting). It was great to see people that live here in town but I never see because we are all really busy. I have been doing a lot of work and things are starting to feel like they're slowing down. My life is really boring right now. I work and I try to go home and rest. :) I was in bed at 9:15 last night. Why am I so lame? It felt good to sleep that long though, so I can't complain. I was happy to do it.

I did get to see my friend Mamie who is like 6 months pregnant. She is just about the cutest little pregnant thing ever. I have lots of cute pregnant friends actually but she is so stinkin' cute! Amy, her husband Justin and her brother Andrew had to evacuate Houston and so her parents flew them up here. So I'm not sure whether or not I should be thanking God or what but it worked out for me to get to see Amy. I went over to her parents house on Sunday after church and hung out until about 8:30 that night (I got home late). The thing that is so great about her family is that I love all of them. Her brother Aaron and his wife Amy were up for Paula's wedding, Amy's cousin Brooke and her family, aunt Paula and all of the kiddos were there. I feel very comfortable with all of them. Amy and I snuck off for a couple of hours and had a long awaited, much anticipated Starbucks date. We haven't done that in a couple of years. When she was still here in town, we used to do it all of the time. We can sit and talk for hours about really dumb stuff or really great, deep and meaningful stuff. I love that we can just pick up where we left off like we just saw each other last week. We talked about God and about family and her upcoming baby. We talked about marriage and their new house that they bought. It is so funny how we age! I have to admit that we were talking about these things when we were 21 also but it really wasn't a reality then. We wanted to get married and live in the same cul-de-sac and raise our babies together. The odds of that actually happening are slim but it is fun to talk about all of the things happening in our lives. I love talking with her about the things that God is doing in my life and to hear how he is working in her life, too. I am so blessed to have friends that I can talk about God with. I am so thankful for friends that encourage my relationship with God and challenge me to always be examining myself and strive to be more Christ-like daily. I am thankful for relationships that work the way God intended them to work.

I'll update later when I'm not supposed to be working.

Quiet Moments

My days have been so hectic these last few weeks and I am trying desperately to remain calm and patient with myself as I attempt to complete all of the work before me. There are what seem to be pointless and time-wasting tasks and requests around every turn. I want to scream because I feel like I spend my day doing things that mean absolutely nothing and the list of "to do's" keeps getting longer and longer.

Like right now, I am sitting in the front part of my office printing off the backs to the student ID cards. I've been sitting out here and normally what I would do is run back and forth from this computer to the one in my office so that I could do more than one thing at a time (time efficient, right?) but Jimmy, the IT guy is trying to fix something else for me in my office and so I must stay out here. I am limited to one project at a time for right now. I guess this is good because I can sit here and update my bloggie-mcblog and reflect on the last few weeks of my life. I felt like a jerk last week. My mom is here from California for a visit. She surprised me with very little notice and it kind of stressed me out because I know that the next few weeks are really busy and crazy and knowing that mom was sitting at my apartment while I was working would make me feel bad for her, adding more stress to my schedule right now. She was great this last week. She was laid back and encouraging, she offered to come in and help me if I needed it (free labor, right?). She took care of me like only mom can and was totally understanding that I needed to work. She even spoiled me with treats I don't need! Moms are like that. It was really nice to just hang out with her in the evenings, a no pressure visit. I really enjoyed my time with her. So, back to why I felt like a jerk. She offered to do something very nice for me and we were trying to schedule it and I got frustrated because it hit me that the reality of my schedule for the next few weeks was ridiculous. I kind of snapped at her because of it and I feel like a jerk because she was doing something so nice, that she didn't have to do, and I snapped at her. Not because she did anything wrong, but because I was stressed out just thinking about my schedule. For that, I am sorry mom. :( Why do we take things out on people when it's not their fault? Why do I get the snappiest with the people who love me the most? My mom would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. NEVER. Anyway, that is my confession for the week.

To go along with that, as I was sitting here being frustrated about all of the things I need to do, it came to me that I need to be thankful for my job and the role I am able to play in the lives of so many young people. My work may seem tedious right now but the reality is that I get to have amazing interactions with young people who I share my life with as they share theirs. We struggle with each other and teach each other things. I make mistakes in front of them and they do the same. We laugh with each other, cry together, encounter God together. I am so blessed to have this job. The pay is horrible but the rewards are so great. I heard a few weeks ago that one of our recent grads who applied for a job told the interviewers that one of the biggest influences in his life here at Cascade was me! What a compliment! I have watched him struggle, we have fought and cried, laughed a lot. I've fed him, done his laundry, and watched him give an amazing speech at commencement this last year. His path has been a tough one, but God has been faithful to him and now we get to be coworkers! He is getting married in a week and a half. I don't get to go but I am so excited for him. I have to be here meeting new students whom I will be able to invest in the way I invested in him (and he invested in me). I can't say that this would happen at many other places.

It was in the quiet moments of printing ID cards that all of this came to me. My work is not in vein. I am blessed. So, as I return to the seemingly mindless work of preparing for students to arrive back on campus, I think about the great things that happen because of the mundane. My work is for the Lord. I may have helped the one student who God meant for me to influence, but somehow I think there may be more work for me.

Find your quiet moment and reflect on why you do what you do. I bet there are blessings in your mundane, too.

I thought of something but it makes me sound like a whiny baby...will you still be my friend?

I just finished typing my "in progress" to do lists for my job at the College and they are exactly 3 pages long and going strong (that's right, there is more than one and I know more things will come up). These are all the things that I need to do in the next month and a half. I feel like having a pity party and asking for the rest of that chocolate cake that we enjoyed at Shanna's last night. Sorry for whining but I thought someone out there might care that I will be bald by September 1st.

On a brighter note, Mandi said I could come over and eat dinner (this means I don't have to cook tonight. I am down with that. Cross dinner off my list).

See you in September!!!

My Babies!!!!

Not really mine, but I can't help myself! If I never have my own children, this is the closest I will ever get to knowing what it's like to be totally infatuated. They are amazing gifts from God and I am so blessed that my brother and sister-in-law are amazing parents! Madeline and Jordan are precious and I can't imagine them ever feeling like they aren't loved. It breaks my heart to think about the fact that there are children out in the world who wonder. I am so thankful that I can be a part of their lives. The entire time I was with them, I felt like I couldn't tell them enough how much I love them. Poor Madeline was probably tired of hearing me say it to her 80 times a day. I guess I would rather her be tired of me saying it than wishing that I said it more. May we all tell each other too often how much we love each other rather than have anyone wish that we said it more.


P.S. I'm not sure what face Madeline is making! I think she didn't like the flash on the camera.

Back to the Grind

So, here I am back at my desk at work. I would much rather be with my niece and nephew but life goes on, right? There is much to do here in the office since I was gone for a week but I don't wanna (said in most whiny voice possible)!

I love my life...

So, I just got back from the hospital a few minutes ago. I got Madeline tucked away nicely for a nap and got caught up on the blog scene. I just had to get on here and tell you all that my nephew is perfect! He is absolutely gorgeous and perfect! He looks like Mike, which is freaky, but he is very handsome! Go look at Tim's blog for a pic. I wanna go take a nap (Madeline has A LOT of energy!). Bye, friends!

Another baby...

I am pleased to announce that my dear friends, Tim and Mandi, had their baby girl last night. OLIVIA MABEL (isn't that the cutest?) was born at 8:47pm weighing 8lbs 2oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. Mandi and Olivia are doing well. I am going to visit them at lunch and desperately wished I had a digital camera to share photos with you of, I'm sure, one of the cutest little girls ever.

Now I just need Mike and Janna to decide it's time for baby. Mike, could you take Janna for a run or something? Madeline said she is ready for her little brother (she did, she told me last night...).

This is what I've decided...

I have decided that shopping for wedding attire is never fun. NEVER FUN!!!! I adore my friend but I did not have very much fun looking for clothes for her wedding this weekend. We did get her dress ordered, purchased my dress, found and purchased a dress for her niece (for $27!!!) but I am not a fan of shopping (at least not for clothes). Let me shop for books, home decor, clothes for my niece, CD's...basically anything but clothes for adult people (especially for weddings). I think the other thing that is difficult about shopping for wedding attire is that everyone has an opinion about what should be happening. You can't solve the problem because everyone wants to be involved in the process (I, myself, am guilty) and give their wonderful ideas (again, I am full of wonderful ideas). With each wedding that I am part of, the better it sounds to go get married on a beach somewhere and invite all of your friends and family. If they can make it great, if not, sorry for all of us but I will still be married at the end of the day. That sounds good.

The wedding is going to be beautiful. I do like what she is doing. It is going to be a lovely occasion. Just not a fan of the shopping.

Mullet Central

Since James is dying to know what happened at the concert, I thought I would give you a taste of what happened, though nothing I could say would bring you to that place. :)

I have never seen so many mullets in my life. Now, when I have gone to see Bon Jovi (twice) in concert, there are always some die hard fans

that look the same as when Slippery When Wet

was released for the first time. But at this concert, I couldn't believe how many mullets I saw. There were gobs of "older women" holding on to what might have been in their youths. These women seemed to have no concept of how they have aged and how you don't still carry a can of Aqua Net with you in your purse, take it out, turn your hair upside down and start going to town with the hairspray. There were TIGHT tapered jeans, men who thought they were as hot now as they were in high school and thought they might actually have a shot at the hottie a few seats down. It was a an 80's rockfest reunion. What frightened me most were the young kiddos who had borrowed (or had their own) original tour tshirts at the concert that they were proudly displaying in the hopes that Bryan Adams or Def Leppard would catch a glimpse of them. I guess its better than them proudly regurgitating 50 Cent or Eminem. Although, there were some pretty provocative lyrics at this concert, too. I guess I sang at the top of my lungs "I'm hot, sticky sweet, from my head to my feet" and I turned out alright (some might disagree).

Overall, it was a fun concert. I think I enjoyed people watching far more than the actual concert. I think Rici died and went to love song heaven. She stayed down at the stage for the majority of Bryan Adams' performance. She did snap some good photos (we're just waiting to get copies so we can post them). He basically looks exactly the same but older. No one could understand a word that Def Leppard was saying when they would talk.

Anyway, there is a little taste of what we encountered at the Bryan Adams/Def Leppard concert. I know you are jealous.

Poor Some Sugar On Me

Tonight I am going with several friends to a Def Leppard/Bryan Adams concert. I have NO IDEA what the combo is all about but it will be fun, I'm sure. I'm putting some money down that I will see at least 5 mullets tonight. Perhaps even some spandex. I'll let you know all about it later. Rock on!

Sunday was a good day...

Sunday was fantastic! Our new minister was here this weekend looking for a house to purchase (they won't actually be here until August). Worship was outstanding! I was moved to tears because I was so happy (I realize I am often moved to tears for various reasons but Sunday it was out of joy). God is so good and He is so faithful to those who seek after Him. I needed to be with my church family and praise Him with them.

We then had a picnic in the park across the street from the community center. We just hung out together and we haven't done that much. It was a good day. I love my church family.

That's all.

It's Official...

Well folks, we have been waiting for this day. I know she is busy working her way through her list of people to contact but I am so excited for her that I can't keep my mouth shut (I often find this task difficult)...

PAULA IS ENGAGED!!!!! YAY FOR MY FRIEND!!!!

She has been patiently waiting for God to bring this man into her life. She did it God's way and I am so excited for her and proud of her for being wise and patient and doing what God wanted her to do. She is an example to me of what it means to trust God. May God bless you with decades of happiness, friend!

My friend Buffy

Today was a good day. I got to walking at the crack with Rebecca Marie (it's been a while) and catch up a little bit. The crack wasn't good but it was good to get this old body moving and talk with my friend.

The best part of the day (sorry Rebecca Marie) is that I got to see my friend Amy, who has several nicknames, one of them being Buffy. I'm not even sure at this point why that happened. I think one day we were making fun of old rich ladies and ridiculous names that they have and started calling each other Buffy...I have no idea anymore. She is the gold to my silver. Everything about us is opposite(she is short and I am tall, she is thin and I am...not, she is blonde, I am a brunette, etc.) except that we love God, we love each other and we love to laugh out loud a lot. I can't imagine my life without her in it. She lives in dumb ol' Houston with her husband, who is a youth minister (and her younger brother also lives there with them). Anyway, I don't remember exactly when the last time it was that I saw her (maybe Christmas 03?). She flew into Seattle to visit with her parents and other family in the area and then she and her momma (one of my other moms) got in the Golden Easter Egg to drive to California where her other brother and sister-in-law live. Amy has a niece that she has never seen (I would die if my brother and sister-in-law were still in Texas and I wasn't able to see Madeline. Thankfully they wised up and moved back to the Northwest). So Amy and her mom stopped on their way through town so that we could have breakfast together. It is amazing to me that I can have a friend that I haven't seen in forever and it's like no time has passed at all. I am blessed to have a couple of these friends. We had a quick breakfast, good conversation and they were on their way. Buffy is currently with child and I am sad that she is so far away from me. It was, however, a really good day because I got to see my friend, Buffy.

God is so good at giving us people in our lives to love us the way He would if He were here in human form. Buffy is one of those people in my life. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is nothing I could do that would make her stop loving me, just as God does. I am so thankful for both.

This picture is me and Buffy from a couple of years ago. It's the only digital picture I have of the two of us:



She is one of the best people that God ever made. I am thankful to call her friend.

Weekend?...Where?

So, here is how my weekend went...

I was getting ready to head to Seattle on Friday to do an Arbonne class when I got a phone call from Timmy that his car had broken down on his way up from Salem and he was stranded at the N. Wilsonville exit (he was flying to California to do a youth rally). It was 11:45 and he was supposed to meet the other dude who was going at noon to ride to the airport. "Oh, ok. I will let him know and I will hop in my car and come get you. I'll be right there." Tim was able to find someone to take care of his car (which looks to be a bad battery), so he left it on the offramp and we headed to Portland. I got Tim connected with our friend and headed on my merry way to Seattle. I got to Seattle just fine (although traffic up there is horrid no matter what time of the day you get there). My friend Paula was running late so I sat in front of her apartment for 25 minutes waiting for her. We got ourselves put back together (sortof) and went to dinner and did some shopping at the ol' Super Mall (which isn't very super, by the way). We hung out and watched TLC's What Not To Wear (wild Friday night!!!!). Because we are both old and ridiculous, we went to bed at like 11 (and she had to go to work the next morning). I woke up at 9am bright eyed! I was so displeased. My plan was to sleep until like 11 but it didn't happen. I put a bagel in the toaster and went to the restroom. I was jolted off the toily by the sound of the smoke detector. I tried to burn down her apartment! I couldn't get the smoke alarm to shut up!!!! I was able to save the house but not the bagel. I made another but stayed and watched it very closely. I laid on the couch and watched episodes of Newlyweds with Nick and Jessica and Cribs before I finally got up and showered and got myself ready for the day. I went to Paula's sister's house, who was hosting the class for me. Paula's mom, sister and one other person were the only ones who showed. So, needless to say, it didn't go as well as any of us had hoped. Paula's sister and mom both gave me money because they felt bad and felt like I didn't even make enough to cover my gas. So sweet.

Paula got off work and came over to her sister's house. We were going to Sam's Club because Paula needed to get food for a thank-you party for her volunteers at work (Wild Saturday night is a brewin). Paula switched cars with her mom because all of her goods weren't going to fit in her car. Paula's sister came with us. We stopped at Applebee's for some half-priced appetizers for dinner. It was at Applebees that Paula realized she didn't have her wallet (uh-oh). She called her mom and asked her to look in the car. Not there. Not in her mom's car, not in the Applebee's bathroom, not at her sister's. Where was it???Paula at this point feels like she is losing her mind. Paula has a business check for Sam's club so we go there. She decides she would like to by her office just to make sure she didn't leave it there. We drive 45 minutes to the Sam's club on that side of town so that she can also go by her office. Crazy long night but it was fine. We chatted with one of the artists who was working on a mural at the Children's Village and her husband. They are Christians so it was nice to just talk about life. Her husband was a student at one of the other small Christian colleges in the Northwest. Paula got a phone call at like 10pm that her mom found her wallet in the car after all! YAY!!!!

Yesterday was a crazy long day, too. We got up and went to church, which was fabulous and then I got on the road. I had to stop in Puyallup to deliver some products and then headed back home. I already knew at this point that I was going to need to take Tim back to Salem since his car was not here. The plan was for his plane to land at 5 and I was going to meet him here at the College at 5:30 and get him home. He called me about 3 and said his flight was delayed and he would be getting into town at 7:30ish. So, I just went straight home and took a little nap. I got up and went and visited my friend Amy and peeked in my new apartment (Amy said they had been sanding my beautiful hardwood floors all day). I can't wait to get moved in!!!! I left Amy's and came over to the College. I thought I would wait for him here, check email maybe get some work done until he got here. Well, he didn't get here until 9:30!!!!! I still had to drive Tim home to Salem. We had to go by my apartment so that Tim could get a few things that he had left there. We went through the Starbucks drive-thru for coffee and I noticed that I was short a headlight. Tim and I then drove over to the Fred Meyer and in the parking lot at 10pm with hardly any light, Tim changed the light for me. I didn't get home until 12:45 this morning. God sure thinks He's funny. He did orchestrate a great opportunity for Tim and I to catch up. I hadn't been to Tim's apartment yet and he was able to show me where some of their ministry stuff has been taking place as we drove to Tim's place. God is always good. I will choose to look at Tim's car breaking down, but easily fixed problem, and Paula's missing but then found wallet as God always showing us that He is in control and often, there is nothing that we can do to solve the problem (but how important it is to help each other out when we can). He also wanted me to be a helpful sister and have the chance to hang out with my fantastic brother, and be a supportive and calm presence to my very stressed out friend. So...long story about my crazy weekend~ hectic but good. It was nice to sleep in my bed last night and I am looking forward to doing it again very soon. Let's always look for the blessings in the craziness that is life!

Just Thinking...

I was reading my fantastic brother Mike's blog about some of the things he heard at the Pepperdine lectures. I have also been reading the amazing things that Timmy has been saying about evangelism. I'm just wondering what it is going to take for us to really and I mean really get the message of Jesus. I mean, all of my life, I have known about Christ, I have gone to church and often times thought I was worshipping Christ. Why can't I love people, and by love people I mean really love people, the way that Christ wants me to? What is wrong with me? Where did I fall and totally and completely miss the mark? Why am I so stubborn? Why am I so unwilling to live my life with passion for the God who makes it possible for me to be in relationship with Him? Why do I so crave the trappings of the world when it so clear that my life is full when I am in Christ? Why do I get so caught up in my imperfections and lack the desire to share the saving power of Jesus with others because I fear that they will reject me? How dare I! How dare I not share Him with everyone I encounter! How dare I not ask my friends to hold me to holy living! How dare I not hold my friends to holy living! Will I look foolish? Maybe! Does it matter? No. I have been saved from my sin and yet I chose over and over to live in it and turn my back on the One who freed me from the death that comes with sin. Why do we continue to chose death? Why do we chose death for others by withholding the Gospel out of our own personal insecurities? I think if I truly felt the transforming power of the Gospel, I wouldn't have these hangups. How do I swallow the depth of the Message? Do I need to spend time working through the spiritual disciplines? What do we need to do? What is it going to take for us to really get it? What are we afraid of? What would the world look like if we all became dangerous Christians, unapologetic, unafraid, unrestrained...what would happen if we all let go of whatever doctrine that we have emersed ourselves in and emersed ourselves in the blood of Jesus Christ?

I know that my thoughts are jumbled. What I know for sure is that we have got to get serious about the faith that we claim to have. I need to get busy loving people and finding ways to meet people where they are and not expect them to walk through the doors of Living Streams and understand what is happening there (no matter what that may look like).

Lord, please reveal to me in an unquestionable way the Gospel as you intended it. Help me fight through my own issues so that others may also have life with you. May I never hold back your message out of my own fear. Continue to love me in the way that only you can and show me how to love others the way that you want me to. Please forgive me for all of the times that I haven't chosen to do the right thing for whatever reason I may have done it. Thank you for being a forgiving Father, a loving Father who wants nothing but the best for each of us, I know you want us to all live full happy lives covered in the peace of knowing that you are in love with us and can't wait to be reunited with us. What else could I possibly need?

New Lease on Life!

I am excited to report that I have signed a new lease and am moving at the end of the month. After spending time in South America, I felt like I was monopolizing more space than I need and I have WAY more junk than I need, so when my dear friend Amy told me that there was an apartment in her complex opening up, I decided to go for it. It is a charming complex but space is limited (not like Paula's space was limited but limited nonetheless). I get to downsize and get rid of things that I don't need/use and live more within my means. My challenge right now anyway is to deny myself more than I allow myself and I usually don't succeed. Do I really need all of the clothes I have? Do I need more CD's than I could listen to in a month? Do I need movies that I rarely watch? Where do you draw the line? I am currently challenging myself to get rid of half of my movies and CD's and to evaluate my wardrobe and take it down a little. It's been easy to toss all of the stored up chemically based makeup, shampoo and cleaning products that have been sitting in my cupboards for months but can I really give up 5 of the 10 sweaters I own? Probably with much struggle and inner dialogue. It really will feel better if I can get myself down to even 20 pairs of shoes, rather than 50. Who am I that I need so many things???? I am really truly looking forward to this task. Anyone wear a size 10 shoe who might could benefit from my purge? Let me know!