Sweet Release

I'm back at my desk at work totally exhausted. We had a great weekend though. I wish I had been able to enjoy more of the festivities rather than troubleshooting and organizing table assignments but someone had to do it. I've mostly only heard good things. Oh, there will always be grumpy people who find something to complain about (at a free event for 600 people) because that is all they know how to do, but overall it was a great success. It's always nice to see something come to fruition that has occupied so much time. It's nice to know that all of the hours of work and lack of sleep and socializing with friends was worth it. Our academic dean suggested this morning that this is "clearly the most significant event to EVER happen on our campus"! It's nice to think that you had a hand in making an historical event happen.

So, in the midst of 100+ temperatures, I will be drinking lots of coffee and water and thinking about my vacation next week. This will be the only thing that gets me through this week. I hope that I will have some level of productivity for my REAL job now that the reunion is over. I may actually get to see some of you again soon!

my horoscope today from msn...some might find it a little creepy

Are you a part of a religious or spiritual organization, dear Virgo? If so, is it something you really enjoy? There are many opportunities to get involved with your spiritual community that can bring you greater satisfaction. Check these out. There's also nothing saying you can't try out a couple of different organizations to see if you find a better fit for your personal needs if you are less than satisfied where you are. Expand your horizons today.

Quick Updates

• I have great friends.
• Monday night I got to hang out with Rebecca Marie. She made me dinner and gave me a pedicure. THAT is a friend! We were able to hang out and do some catching up. It was so nice.
• I was really crabby yesterday morning. I didn't feel very good.
• Big Mike stopped by the school and we went to lunch (cheaply!). Thanks Mike! It was nice to talk with him for a few minutes.
• Last night I got to go see Hairspray. It was FABULOUS! It was a great time to hang out with the Preuit's and Miss Fennell. Thanks for the ticket Leah! Sorry you missed it but I had a great time.
• Heather helped me make table assignments yesterday so it's not so terrible. I have a big floor plan hanging on my wall and we are having fun playing musical chairs. We should get it mostly done today! YAY!
• I have incredible friends who have been doing such a great job of encouraging me and a giving me a good dose of distraction and relaxation. I appreciate all of them helping me feel calm. In all of this, I have to thank God for all of them. I am sure that if I was not a Christian I would still have fabulous friends who took great care of me and loved me but I can't help but think that God is in all of it. I believe that he has orchestrated people to come around me when all I want to do is quit my job!

Random Stuff

• The College's big 50th anniversary is this next week and there will be 500+ people who come through campus.
• I'm tired.
• I just found out that one of my fabulous friends is planning me a 30th birthday bash! She's keeping secrets which I'm not a fan of but I'm excited because I know it will be fun whatever happens.
• I am taking a vacation! That's right, baby! One WHOLE WEEK off in July. Jean, I may want to come up and hang out for a long weekend or something. Let's talk!
• I hate making table assignments for 500 people I don't know.
• I need to get my brakes done.
• Grad school is looking better and better everyday.
• I'm glad my friend Rici's baby is ok.
• I'm enjoying Plan B by Anne Lamott.
• I desperately want a pedicure.
• How do you talk to an angel?
• I think I am taking a class in the fall from my old boss, Billy boy.
• Just when you think nothing good could possibly happen, you remember that your nephew's birthday party is on Saturday and that means you get to see the kids again.
• I miss seeing my friend Rebecca Marie. I feel like it's been 80 years and she lives 10 minutes away.
• Everyone...Yes, I said it, EVERYONE is having a baby.
• Except me.
• All I've been seeing lately are enlarged uteruses.
• Uteruses is a weird word.
• Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?
• I'm kind of addicted to "So you think you can dance". I don't think I can. wish I could.
• While I don't have a very good computer at work, they had a laptop I could use this week so I can do work at home and not be stuck in my office 12 hours a day.
• Albertson's generic Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream is really good. It has the good kind of chocolate shavings in it. Not actual mini chocolate chips. Gross.
• I watch The Hills on MTV. I admit it. Lauren's friend Heidi is really really dumb. Like for real.
• Who are you going to vote back into the Big Brother house?
• I watched Britney Spears on Dateline last night. She cried. While I realize she is a real person, I still find her odd, like real people are. Also, the paparazzi is really weird. The whole concept. They showed her trying to lay out on the beach and there were like 20 people hovering around her trying to take the exact same picture of her. I would be angry too (I probably wouldn't be laying out on the beach trying to tan, let alone in a bathing suit, though).
• I keep making bullets so I don't have to go back to work. I guess I should go back to work.

The First Step

The thought of grad school scares the dickens out of me. It's a big commitment. I am saying that I am more of an "expert" in this particular field and kind of obligate myself to this kind of work. I know I wouldn't have to do it forever but it would be more difficult to walk away from it. The idea of acquiring more student loans scares me and the thought of working for another college weirds me out a bit. I am comfortable with my current employer and I know my current environment. It seems strange to think about going elsewhere to work. The thought of starting over somewhere else makes me nervous rather than excited. These feelings may come from a place of insecurity (feeling ill-equppedto do my job well). Who knows, maybe with a master's degree in my field, I would have more bargaining power with them or I would feel like I can go anywhere and do my job wonderfully.

Yesterday I requested information about a graduate program in my field of work. I know it doesn't seem like any kind of commitment or big deal but I have been thinking about it for a couple of years and after must frustration with my current situation I thought it was time to do something about it. I love my work. If I have to work, this is what I want to do. However, in my current job, I feel like I lack the necessary skills to do what should be done for our students and I don't know where to start to make the appropriate changes and improvements. I have so many great ideas but I have no information to show that they would be successful or beneficial and have no idea how to execute them if I were given permission to do so. I also want to make a better life for myself and with graduate level education, I would have more options available to me.

Here's to the first step in making a change for the better!

short-lived rant

While on my lunch break, I need to vent to the world for a minute. I have just spent 3 hours today trying to get one of our offices computers to work with a scanner. Why is this so difficult? Oh, perhaps it is because we have computers that are as old as me! What a waste of my time. I have more important things to do than mess around with a dumb scanner. Just when I think it works, no go! I'm so frustrated!!!!

I'm hoping that I to throw a big enough fit to be able to get at least one reasonably working computer in the office. I think that it should be reasonable to have one computer in the office that will burn a CD for a slideshow that I do every year. My student workers end up taking it and working on it on their own personal computers because they are nicer and do more. This is silly to me! I'm not asking for the nicest computer on the market just one that meets the demand of my job.

That's all. I'm done. Back to eating lunch.

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totally loafing about

I haven't done a stinking thing for the last two days and I feel pretty ok about it. I finished a great book that I had been reading, hoping it would help me with my work. It's hard to say if it will actually help. The colleges and universities that the author visited were a totally different demographic than the students we serve. However, I believe we have some of the very same issues on our campus. Anyway...not the point of the post. I did finishing reading that book and decided to pick up The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. It's been on my list of books to read for years now. I'll let you know what I think later.

Today I am at mom and dad's house doing laundry. They are out at their church's family retreat so I have their house to myself today. I'm watching free on demand movies, washing my clothes, and surfing blogs. It's great. This morning I watched WAY TOO many episodes of the Laguna Beach marathon on MTV. I get sucked in, I can't help myself!!!! Please promise to still be my friends. I tried to watch Hannah and Her Sisters but I got bored. I think Woody Allen makes strange movies.

Well, back to pointless movie and TV watching, perhaps I'll get lucky and there will be some reruns of What Not To Wear or The Gilmore Girls...

4 day weekend here I come!

One of the perks of working at the college is that full-time staff get a total of 6 weeks paid vacation each year. The new policy allows an additional week of paid time off if you sponsor a mission trip (so potentially 7 weeks). How cool is this?! I think it's pretty rad.

Three of our vacation days come in the summer in the form of Fun Fridays. For each of the summer months: May, June and July every full time staffer gets a paid Friday off! Thank you very much. I didn't take one for May yet so I have to take tomorrow off, on the eve of a 3-day Memorial Weekend. I'm totally ok with this!

I'm out...

I'm out so hard.

stupid cars and money

I am no good with cars. I think it's something I would like to put on my list of things I look for in a husband. :) I hate dealing with them. I just want to turn it on and drive. I don't want to think about how to deal with a car when it has problems.

Last month I was supposed to re-register my car (get new tags, some say tabs, which do you say?) like a good citizen. I had to go through DEQ, which I didn't pass.

"What do I do next?"I asked the nice DEQ man.

"Here is some information about what could be wrong", he explained "and a list of mechanics."

"OK, thanks."

This was the first time I've ever had a failing car. So, before I got myself all worked up, I call dad and tell him the news. He tells me to come over and he'll look at the car. He thinks that I probably need a tune up. So, I go to the DMV and purchase a trip permit ($20) so I don't get pulled over and get a ticket($100?). I take my car into a mechanic and he says it definately needs a tune-up ($250 for diagnostic and tune-up). My parents say to spend the money, it is worth it. So, I take it in, they do all the work. Yesterday I went back to DEQ with my newly tuned car and guess what? NO PASS!

"WHAT? I just spent $250 that I don't have on the stupid thing to get it to pass", I said, fighting back tears.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you", said the snotty DEQ lady, "It's still not passing." Another test that they run failed this time.

So, I call Tony, the mechanic back and said "I failed the NOX test this time."

"Bring it back in and we'll see what's going on", he says.

He ran tests yesterday afternoon again and he said it needs a new catalytic converter ($180). He said that he didn't test it before but with the new spark plugs, it was burning off more oil or something and now it's emitted more than it should. URGH! Can you sell enough plasma to pay for this? I can't afford to make monthly car payments so I know it makes sense to put the money into it but how do you know when it's time to let your car go and figure something else out?

***Update***Tony took my car through DEQ and it passed this time! YAY! It is stickered and ready to go for a while now.

Also, may I live here, please?

more effecient blogging

Thanks to Rebecca Marie's telling of this cool thing called FeedBlitz, I don't have to actually LOOK at every blog EVERY day to see who's posted something new. THANK YOU! I never knew until you mentioned it at home group on Tuesday night. This is going to make my life so much easier!!!! I now have time to look for random new blogs to add to my list! I am going to drown in blogs!!!! This is my new plan.

I've actually stumbled across an entire blogging community of college professors and staff that have very interesting insights into the world of higher learning. I'm totally addicted to what they have to say.

I always wondered why your blog asks to subscribe to you. Hmmm.

If this doesn't make you smile, you're dead inside.

Akeelah and the Bee

Go see it. It's all the cheese that a PG movie can offer but good stuff. As a self-professed geek, it was inspiring and made me want to go home and read the dictionary (sorry mom for ever making fun of you). Also, I love the quote that was used throughout the movie. I actually read the book that it came out of but I don't remember reading this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are we to not be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Chew on that for a minute. Are you afraid of the power that you hold as a child of God? Are you afraid of what you were made to be? I have thought about this all week. I find it to be true. If I truly embraced the power that I have as God's child, I would be capable of anything and there would be no fear of inadequacy. I know darkness, I am comfortable with my sin and I believe the lies that Satan tells me about myself. The choice to live in and embrace the reality that I am light and "powerful beyond measure" is frightening. I don't know how to do that. It is scary to give up what you know and live in a way that is different. That is powerful. That is the glory of God.

Jumbled Thoughts

Some thoughts that I have been mulling over (some by myself, some with other co-workers):

I work at a small college and we need everyone (faculty, staff and students) to be involved in order to pull things off. How do we motivate people to get on board? How do we get people to stop complaining and be a part of the change? How do we effectively equip the members of this community to see it for what it is...a community? How do we as a body of believers see past the messages of our culture, the culture of self-induglence and isolationism? How do you communicate to college students that have agreed to be a part of a Christian college that there are going to be expectations and "rules" that you have to live by in order to uphold the community and the title of Christian institution? How do you teach a transformed life and freedom in Christ to a community of hubris youth who want things to always go their way and can't see past their own desires? I think it's getting harder and harder to do all of these things as we become a more and more individualized society.

I love my job and I am passionate about the success of the college and the success of the students that join us here. I want our students to see that we believe in them and we want the best for them. I have been prayerful about the changes that I feel we need to make as an institution in order to empower them to live to their fullest potential. I want them to be what God created them to be. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life at this point. My greatest desire is for each and every student to come to know Christ in the most authentic way possible, a way that leaves no room for doubt of his power, love, grace and passion for them. I want our college community to be the breeding ground for learning and expressing love, grace and passion for Jesus and his people. I want them to thrive here so that they can go out into their communities when they leave here and be a positive influence for Christ, passionate for him and those who have yet to choose him and I want them to have a good time doing it! As I learn how to be in relationship with The Christ (that was for you, James) I'm finding it to be fun and adventurous! I never know what He is going to do with me, teach me, challenge me with and I never expect Him to love me as much as he does. I always find it surprising and maybe I shouldn't because He continues to be faithful to me even in the times when I am so unfaithful to him.

Please pray that we as a college share a vision of cultivating passionate Christians who are in a continual state of transformation, trying each day to look more and more like Christ.

No esta aqui!

I am taking tomorrow off because my little brother Timmy is taking the plunge and saying "I do" to Kori on Saturday. I will miss all of you dearly but I will see several of you at the wedding.

Also, totally biffed it on the sidewalk at work today and can barely type. I'll tell the whole story later, when my hands work again. I'm mostly hoping that the spot on my chin where some of me landed doesn't turn into a horrid bruise for pictures on Saturday!

Chinook Court

Chinook Court is a long standing tradition here at the college. It is an opportunity to honor God by honoring 5 ladies who have chosen to live out the call to be in relationship with God. These women are known for their Christian leadership and spiritual maturity. Last night was our coronation ceremony. These ladies are so special in their own individual ways. They each were given a different personality, life circumstances, their own kind of personal relationship with God and they each have their own way of living out their faith. They are definately individuals created in a special way by God. He designed each of us to be different and I think it's pretty neat. This activity each year reminds me that there isn't one specific way to be in relationship with God or that being a Christian means altering your personality. God designed us to be who we are and I think it would make him sad for us to try to fit into one specific mold. We all have special gifts and talents that can and should be used for the glory of God. I am so thankful that we are all different and that we don't have force ourselves into a cookie-cutter mold in order to be considered a Christian. I think we honor God when we honor our differences and individuality. I pray that you live in your skin, with the personality given to you by your Creator, with confidence knowing that He wants you to be you. He loves who he made you to be.

Be blessed.

Why Me, God?

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.
-Philippians 3:7-8

There has been an idea floating around in my life in the last few days that I have been thinking about and I don't know that I actually have any answers or anything of worth to offer but I feel like perhaps if I talk about it, I will feel better or maybe someone has some insight to give. I've been reading Stacey Rich's blog for probably about a year now (check it out in the sidebar). I don't know her but I feel like I do (amazing how the internet thing works, huh?). She is reading a book right now called No Perfect People Allowed (brother Big Mike also recommends it). In reading this book, she has posted some questions, thoughts, what-have-you on some fairly heavy God/Christianity/Jesus stuff. One of the questions she brought up was "What about other religions? What about people who have never heard about Jesus? Yeah, I got lucky and was raised in a home where I was taught about Jesus -- but what if I'd grown up in Saudi Arabia or something? What then?". The same conversation came up with a couple of students yesterday at work. I guess it's been on people's minds lately. So, yeah, what then? Why was I born here and not somewhere else? How is it fair that not everyone has the opportunity to know about Christ if he really is the one and only way to God? I guess the only answer for me at this point is: I don't know. I don't know why this is the way the dice fell (I'm guessing it isn't a matter of dice falling to God but it is to me) for me.

This answer raises these next questions for me: What am I going to do about it? What am I going to do with the information I have about Christ? Am I going to make my goal in life creating a comfortable existence in suburbia or take risks and be bold and make sure that other people are afforded the opportunity to know Christ? A gentleman responded on her post today about religiousity and how we have harmed people with our arrogance, intolerance, etc. I think it can apply to these ideas as well. Here is what he said: The "Truth in Love (Grace)" angle would say, "First of all, I don't have all the answers, and I am a flawed human being in need of a Road of Truth…in need of grace and salvation. Through my life, in everything I've tried to fill with the Truth-shaped hole, I keep finding that Jesus is the only Road that is undeniably the all-encompassing, FULL-FILLING way or truth that fits perfectly in that hole....and here's part of my life story to explain why."

As I learn more and more about Christ, I am acutely aware of how my life is no longer my own when I choose him. I have to be changed or the cross was all in vein. My life has to be about Christ and making him my treasure, above all things on this earth. Above relationships for my own pleasure, above financial comfort, above personal praise and recognition, above what my desires are for my life. I must be bold and passionate about Christ. This is what it means to live. This is what each of us was created for. Knowing all of this, there are character traits that I need to change. I need to be more loving towards people I don't want to love, I need to forgive those who have hurt me, I need to tear down the wall that protects me from vulnerability (which doesn't really protect me anyway) and the fear that my vulnerabilities will be used against me. I need to stay in the word so that my zeal will not grow old.

The more time I spend in the word, the more I crave it and oh, how I don't want to lose that! I need it. My life has never felt more complete than when I am with him.

I need to get home, so, I will hopefully have more to share later. Oh, the post that I did about feeling aimless in life, all of these thoughts have helped me to not feel so aimless. Now, I just need to get off my butt and make the necessary changes. My life is good. I have Christ. I don't need anything else. My purpose is to make much of Christ. I have to allow him to change me. I think it's working. I'm a work in progress. I will probably be on here next week however with a "woah is me story". Isn't life funny? At least I know this much about who I am. I am flawed and messed up but He saw something worth dying for.

Be blessed.

A Dose Of Reality

Today I realized how ridiculous I have been about something going on in my life. I got myself a little crushy-poo on someone. He is a great guy but there is nothing about it that makes any amount of sense. He is too young, so not going to happen. My wonderful friends who encourage me to dream the impossible dream say things like: "Why wouldn't he love you, Rebecca? You're a great girl and he is not your average young person" While all of this is true, I think I've needed someone to say something more like this: "Really, Rebecca?" All of you who know me, know the tone in which that should be said.

I'm a little embarrassed at my ridiculous imagination sometimes. This whole thing makes me feel totally foolish. I try really hard to keep myself grounded in reality but he is REALLY neat. I mean, if all of you knew him, you would totally know why I wish it were a possibility. He's fabulous. He is one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever met. He loves Jesus. However, when I stop and think about it, it's so absurd. We are in totally different places in life. I guess ultimately, I want to find my husband and when I meet a young man who is phenomenal, I can't help but think...where is my phenomenal man? The one who fits. I want that companion. I want that person who totally makes me feel comfortable in my skin. I want to know that person who knows every nook and cranny of my screwed up head and says that he loves me still, loves me more, even. I guess sometimes it's easier to dream and live in a fantasy world than to face your current reality. I feel like my current reality is loneliness and no matter how many people are around me, I very rarely feel connected to someone. So, I guess, I'm just always hoping for companionship and for people to know me and love me. Isn't that what we all want?

I am continually prayerful that God is blessing me with the exact thing I need right now. I have to trust him. It's hard for me to do so but the more I get to know God I know that He is not interested in making me uncomfortable or doesn't want to keep from me the very things I desire. Sometimes though, we don't always get what we want and most often that is a good thing.

THE SUN IS OUT!!!

It is 4:43 on Friday afternoon. I don't have a window in my office and it is sunny outside. How is this fair? I don't want to do anything and have spent most of the afternoon doing absolutely nothing. I've talked to a few students, answered some emails, and had a very important meeting with some of my colleauges (not really but we did have some good laughs). I am looking forward to this weekend.

I am really into the book I'm reading right now (Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper). Secretly, I want to cancel my plans for the evening and go home and read my book, but I won't because I need to be around people sometimes. I'm all about supporting my students tonight. Our resident assistants are doing a dinner/fundraiser for student activities so I am going to that and then our students are doing a play this weekend, so I'm bringing my friend Afa with me and we are going to see my lovely students perform this evening. THEN, I will go home and read my good book. It is challenging me to think about everything I do and why I do it. The author suggests that everything I do, EVERYTHING be about magnifying and exalting Christ. I've been feeling the sentiment that every aspect of my life should be honoring to God lately and so this is just encouraging and stregthening this thought. He suggests that if I am not honoring Christ and his cross then I am wasting my life. We were made to magnify God and if we aren't about that, we will always feel empty. Hmmm. There were so many gems last night. I can't wait to get back to it and get some more!!!!